Cathy: Do you have to force girls a little bit? I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/. Give me context Cath, give me context.
Cathy: Some…someone was talking about that he…he had a date with someone he wanted to explore something sexually and hadn't had they hadn't been sexual before and he was asking about being sexual and she responded "You have to force girls a little" and he was concerned about the consent, the consent which I think is a really good thing and I thought that it might be useful to talk about because I think there is a lot of stereotypes out there that yeah the women are supposed to say no, no, no and the guy supposed to keep trying until they like “Hah, I’m overcome.”
Reid: So, thank you for writing in. I'm just going to jump to what I hope this is, right? Because you shouldn't force anybody to do anything ever because it will it's just not that's not how you leave the campsite better than you've found it. However, I'm going to reinterpret this, I'm going to assume that the person who shared about being forced doesn't have all their contacts
Cathy: And maybe it's kinky for them or
Reid: and sex geek yeah what their what I hope they're saying is, it turns me on to be forced a little and now we have a conversation of “Oh, how do you like to be forced?”
Reid: And…and how can I do that for you like…like now it's about mindful or conscious seduction or mindful consensual coercion like which I get why that can be a turn-on
Reid: but I'm going to tell you as a sex geek, you do not force people ever and that in having a short conversation I'm pointing at the…at the email here in having a short conversation with that person to check in about “What do you mean by that? Is it a turn-on for you?” And for them they would be like “No, like you actually have to force people” and you know I'd be like “Flag it's my flag like flag on the clay. Danger roll Robins and danger…danger. Do not proceed, do not proceed” because that to me is like “Oh, if that's actually your worldview, I don't know that it's…it's safe for me to play with you.”
Reid: because like if that would just be such a flag.
Cathy: Yeah and there's no consent if that that's not consent. He knows what his concern was like how do you…consent is really important, how do I establish consent in that
Reid: but again like for somebody who doesn't know the distinction between what's erotic like what's turning their brain on
Reid: and this is titillating or for somebody who just thinks “No, this is society like women are supposed to withhold sex and…and men are supposed to force us to have like…”
Cathy: Well, it's a rape culture that's what
Cathy: a lot of people had been brought up with unfortunately. Yeah and I think that you know getting something that someone’s cons…if this was a kink like some like a somebody that turns that person that person on saying something like is it like do you like to be forced for sex or like getting something that there's a verbal yes to you
Cathy: and then actually defining like what does that look like and what is your safe word and using some of the…the consent boundaries that the BDSM community uses like what where…where is the line there in finding a safe container to play?
Reid: So if you ever run into this situation and you're doing your due diligence and having these conversations and the other person just rolls their eyes and they're like “Oh my god, can't we just do this? Why do we have to talk about it?” That is your signal to pull the plug on that fucking situation.
Reid: If you can talk it to death, I think you're better off. I mean not that you have to be like “I’m going to see if I can break my record and talk about this for six hours.”
Cathy: And then there's no sex because we're talking a little bit
Reid: but what a lot of people what I run into is people want things to be organic which means they're uncomfortable about being explicit usually, right? Not always but for the most part people are like “Oh my god I mean why do you talk about these things so much?” I’m like “You know why? Because I want to create a really safe experience that fucking rocks. I'm not trying to bore you. I'm trying to assess whether you're safe for me to play with.”
Reid: “If this is a good idea or not” and for people who can't get, get patient or at least you know be patient for that process, what it means is that that it's dangerous even though I get that it might be a turn on let’s not talk about it at all, right? I get that that's a turn-on but like we have to talk about not talking about it at all.
Cathy: Well, one thing if…if that was if that's the case like not just having it to be like jumping in talk about it another time, set up a surprise a surprise date and then Friday at 8 p.m. or I'm going to