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What Do I Do If My Partner Keeps Lying To Me?
With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: "My partner keeps lying to me", someone wrote in, "and I want to stay with him. What do I do?" Reid, what advice can we give her? Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: What do you think I'm going to say? Cathy: I'd say probably say "pull the plug." Reid: Pull the plug. That's right. I'm the pessimist. Get out of that relationship. My question is "Why do you want to stay with somebody who's a liar in the relationship. If you're like, "But Reid I really want to stay" there's two things. One, if you're like "But I love them" I'm going to say that well, enjoy the next six months to five years because once your love chemistry runs dry you're going to end the relationship anyway. So just enjoy it. It's going to end. So the other thing is, what might be happening is, their lying isn't actually a bottom line for you. Because whatever they're doing, those types of lies happen to be in your wiggle room space so it's like they're lying about .... There's a big difference between you know, "Honey, we're on a diet together" and half of the jar of peanut butter is gone. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: And they're like "I didn't eat the peanut butter." Cathy: It wasn't the cat. Reid: Yeah. There's a difference between that kind of lie which is not really a big deal, although for some people that kind of stuff is a bottom line too, versus you know, they've been embezzling money from your shared account and you know, going to Vegas or something. And keeping it from you. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: So take a look there because for this person it could be like "They lie to me but I still want to be with them." And if it's the peanut butter kind of lie, that's why you don't have a problem. You're just pissed off because they won't tell you the truth about the peanut butter. Well, if they continue to do that you know you have a peanut butter liar on your hands. So either don't ever buy peanut butter again, or stay with them and it's not that big of a deal. Cathy: Another thing you can do is look at how you're responding if and when they do come clean. Because people do lie sometimes. They're caught by surprise, they're scared. People will just blurt out a lie and not mean to. But if we can make sure that if someone comes to us and comes clean that we give them space to share and encourage them to come clean as quickly as possible, that might help reverse the trend. And talking to the person about what is ... how am I reacting or what is .... It's not putting that it's on the person that isn't lying but identifying ways to help them feel more comfortable to tell the truth. What happened? Do they have a history with their parents just coming down on them too hard or what are they afraid of that they're not telling you the truth? And the difficult conversation formula might be a really good way, just practicing that on little things so they have a mechanism to tell you the things that they're afraid to tell you, might reduce that as well. Reid: Mmhmm, and we have the difficult conversation formula, is a video that we have here or you can to to http://ReidAboutSex.com, type in difficult conversation formula, and there are a couple posts and some download-able PDF's that you can use to practice. Cathy: Yeah it's really powerful. It's made so many conversations that I've had so much easier. Reid: Yep. Cathy: So if you're staying with someone because you think you don't deserve anyone better, get some help. Realize that everybody deserves to have relationships that have a lot of integrity in them. You deserve to have wonderful relationships. Reid: Yep. Leave your comments, let us know how it goes. Good luck.
Views: 42415 ReidAboutSex
How Do I Know if I'm Monogamous or Poly?
Cathy: How do I know if I’m monogamous or poly? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/ Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ Cathy: And someone wrote in and said, how do I know, and I thought that that was a great question. Reid: How do you know? Hang on. Well I’m Poly. What are you? That looks poly too. Cathy: So you find someone who’s poly and have them look at your shirt. Reid: [Inaudible 00:00:30] I don’t know, what do you think the answer is? Cathy: I think it’s kind of, when I first so I’m using the analogy of being gay, when I first kissed a woman like I thought I had to be, had to be a lesbian. I didn’t realize that there’s a whole of different shades in there so I think that there’s Reid: Lesbian-like. Cathy: Yes, exactly. We can have different needs in different times in our lives too, but for me I really enjoy having multiple people in my life I have a good friend who is very romantically Poly like he has a lot of people he loves deeply as friends or really dear to him and if his partners aren’t okay with that that’s a problem but he’s not he’s not actually dating like sexually dating people or looking to have more people move in with him so I think we have all different ways of expressing Poly and we get to decide what what’s right for us and what do we define ourselves as what’s monogamous. Reid: Yeah, yeah. I mean I have I have friends you know that have friends and they loved them deeply but they wouldn’t identify as poly. Cathy: Right. Reid: And I have friends who are poly who love their friends deeply who identify as poly. Cathy: Right. Reid: I guess by like standard cultural definitions if you want to be able to fall in love and like live and and and have multiple people as lovers you’re probably not monogamous. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: You can be monogamish, a term that Dan Savage helped coin where, you know you’re a monogamous couple who occasionally has birthday threesome or you know vacation sex or you know whatever arrangement is and maybe you know I think you’re you still can identify as monogamous I don’t think that makes you automatically poly or swinger or anything like that. Cathy: I think you get to define for yourself too. But I think part of the question it sounds like they’re trying to figure out if this person is trying to figure out if they should explore poly and for me it’s something, if you’re in a relationship you should definitely talk about with your partner and figure out what your relationship agreements are and if you need to change them if this is something that drives you and also just figure out what feels good to you and sometimes people try it, the good cool thing is you get to change your mink like wow I kind of like it but it was a lot of work or it doesn’t feel like it fulfills me I don’t want to do that you get to try that out, I don’t know that what you’re daydream about is a good way to identify necessarily because we’re so acculturated for that one person that’s prince charming and princess charming but if you do fantasize about multiple people. Reid: That might be a clue. Cathy: And again there are erotic versus Reid: Sure, and if you fantasize about being a space adventurer who leaves a band of space pirates, to conquer you know evil places and make them good and well I mean I don’t know if you identify space part that means to be what you daydream about. Cathy: Right, but if you daydream that you’re in a relationship with all the space pirates that you’re leading and that feels yummy to you. Reid: Now we’re talking. Yeah. Cathy: That might be a sign. Reid: Yeah, maybe you’re polyamorous space part, what do you think. Wow that one. Cathy: You know, I don’t know if this is helpful at all. Reid: We’re probably we’re probably being unhelpful. What are you getting how how do you figure out how you identify. Leave a comment. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: Space pirates.
Views: 6076 ReidAboutSex
Fear of Physical Intimacy: Lack of Trust
How do you deal with fear of intimacy, and how do you feel safe and trusting in a connection? Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share simple, practical steps you can take to bring the passion back into your life, and create warmth and love again. Cathy: Hi, everyone. What do you do when you're afraid of physical intimacy? You want to be close, your body may be longing for it, you know that it will make your life better and you're just afraid to go there. I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and this is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Thanks for coming, Reid. Reid: Thank you for having me. Cathy: So it can be really intimidating and facing that fear in a society that doesn't talk about it very much can be challenging. Reid: Yeah. This is a Pandora's Box of interesting stuff. It's not all evil. The main questions about intimacy and the fear of intimacies, one of the major things that comes up for me immediately is the people that you're considering being intimate with, physically intimate with, do you trust them? If you do not trust them, that might be where some of the fear is coming from. Cathy: Yes. Reid: Why are you considering being intimate with somebody with whom you do not trust? Cathy: Well I love that we were having a discussion the other day about who would you not be physically intimate with and there are a couple of things that came out as first signs of don't go there. If someone is not meeting your eyes and they can't be present with you, that's a good sign that you may want to go there with them. Reid: Yeah, but somebody who's meeting your eyes might also be someone who's just really shy. Cathy: Right. Reid: Who you could totally find trustworthy. Cathy: Yeah, that's true. Reid: Your versions of what those things are going to be for you are what they're going to be but you often have to start to think about this stuff to even start to ferret out what they might be. Cathy: Yes. Reid: So again, for me it's about trust, what do you need for somebody to be trustworthy and then usually what starts happening there is if you really do find them trustworthy, your fear is then about the intimacy not about them. Cathy: Yes. Reid: And so what's that about? What are you actually afraid of? Cathy: Yes. And you may have had past experiences where it wasn't pleasant or it could have been abusive or a lot of people are assaulted. In our society, there's not a lot of room for people to talk about it. I think it's getting better. If you have some of those things then that could make you very afraid to reach out and open yourself up to someone. Reid: I mean for me so much of it is yes, some of us have histories where we have a lot of emotion wrapped up in certain behaviors. If you were with somebody that you could absolutely trust, how would that shift the situation? Is it impossible for you to feel like you could trust anybody? You know these are things, areas you can look at and you can start to work on to start to figure out because you're leaving yourself clues all the time. Cathy: Yes. Reid: Almost like a video game. There's diamonds and things hidden in the game -- Cathy: Treasure. Reid: -- you just have to look around. So what are those gems that you're leaving yourself that are clues for things that might be able to unlock a big piece for you. Cathy: Yes. When do you feel safe, when do you feel most unsafe. For me one of the biggest steps I took was learning better boundaries and I love your analogy of if you have a car with no brakes, you're not going to take it cruising and getting some good brakes on your car, you're going to feel a lot more confident going out there. So if you can learn to say no and feel safe saying it to other people and expecting them to respect that. It gives you a lot more room to go out there and feel safe connecting. Reid: Yeah and a lot of other things that people usually think of especially in America you think of worst case scenarios. So intimacy automatically must mean we're having sex and it kicks up all your other fears. Cathy: Right. Reid: If you took some steps back what are other ways you could be intimate? You know the baby step ways where you can go nice and slow so things don't speed up too quickly but also you're doing things that allow for you to have the connection and to explore the intimacy but aren't the -- you know you're going from zero to 120 in three steps. What are those things that are way back at like 5 miles an hour and 10 miles an hour, not 120. Give yourself permission to have those things whether it's sitting in a movie theatre and holding hands.
Views: 7853 ReidAboutSex
How Do You Handle The Fear That You Will Be Alone Forever?
What if you never meet anyone? Those fears can be very loud. What do you do? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: How do you handle the fear of never meeting anybody with fear that you are going to be alone forever? Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and I had that fear for a long time I was actually living out that fear and I haven’t really developed a relationship with myself so it felt awful. When I was alone, I felt alone. I didn’t feel like I was with anybody and as I cleared all things and fears and started reconnecting myself it wasn’t so bad but at that point I was still frustrated. Someone said that they felt defeated about meeting someone and I was really in that space but I wasn’t also getting out there and reaching out to people. I kind of expected to run into them at the grocery store, at work or this person that would be in my life. It was until I got into an online dating site and I started going to community activities and letting people know that I wanted to date. It started happening for me. I think a lot of people and I had this belief too so I totally understand. I kind of thought the first person that I went on a date with would be the one. Like I kind of thought that I would go on https://www.okcupid.com/ and it took a lot of courage to put my profile and if someone is attracted to me then that would be the person and I would find that person but it really takes some time. Often you can build up connections in the community, people willing to see you a number of times before they feel kind of connection. Reid: And how’s it going now? Cathy: Well, moving across country kind of reset some of that but I had the skills. Reid: Reset you mean go away? Cathy: No. not go away but like I had built up a community and I had connections so that’s all kind of excel feeding to something. People introduce me to people because they knew me. So being in a community took me off. I’m using the skills to rebuild the community but I have the skills that I know I can do it. It’s not impossible but if you believe it’s possible you have to try. I like the story of how they train baby elephants. Have you heard this? Reid: We’re going to hear it now. Gather closer. Cathy: When elephants are really small.. Reid: Like this small? Cathy: No, this is its foot. I’m Italian, I have to use my hands to talk. If you don’t want me to shut up just.. Reid: Talk about the elephant. Cathy: They tie the elephant foot to a stake and so the elephant can’t get away. Over the years, the elephant believes he can’t get away and even when he’s big, they just put a small stake in the ground and the elephant things he’s trapped. Even as an adult elephant, he could just rip it to go out wherever wanted. Sometimes when we didn’t have the skills when we are younger or our parents weren’t there for us or our best friend abandon us in third grade, we learn that there’s a stake in the ground and we cannot go anywhere. Yet as an adult, we have cars, wallets and phones and internet, we can go a lot of places but we still believe we’re like the baby elephant. Reid: Good. So, baby elephant story Powerful stuff, you folks. What do you think? We’re going to come back with my advice but I want to keep this video short. What do you think? What are your tactics and tools for dealing with feeling alone and your belief systems and maybe never finding anyone ever forever? Cathy: We’d love to hear. Reid: Comments below.
Views: 5574 ReidAboutSex
What If Your Partner Refuses To Sleep With You?
If they're desire is really gone, what can you do? Find out with Reid Mihalko and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo. Cathy: You've done your thing, and your partner is still not wanting to sleep with you, not wanting to connect that way. What do you do? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. What would you do? Cathy: I've worked with a lot of people, and one thing that I've noticed is a lot of them will ... we have the option, when our partner isn't being sexual with us, is to either be sexual ... still continue our sexual relationship with ourselves. If we're in an open relationship, be sexual with other people as well, or shut down, sexually. It can feel safer. It can feel … it doesn't threaten the relationship as much, and make you feel like we're never going to get that need met. I think there's an undercurrent in our society for people to do that. For a long time, it was about the duration of the relationship, and the relationship needing to stay together for people to be financially stable. Reid: So, you just shut down that wing of the mansion. Cathy: Yeah, just block it off and let it fall apart. I think there's a very strong tendency there. I love when you talk about Relationship 10x about, "What is your intention for the relationship?" Being very conscious about why you're in the relationship. If you decide that for yourself, look at how important the sexual connection is. I know, for me, sexual connection is a very important part of a relationship. It makes me feel more connected, and it's a really intimate way for me to be with somebody. I don't know if I'd be in a romantic relationship with someone that I wasn't sexual with. That could change, depending on the person, but that, I think it's a time to sit down and figure out what you need out of the relationship. Then, perhaps, communicate that with your partner, Figure out where they're at, and if they're willing to work on it, or if they're just done with that. Reid: Yeah, I mean, the joke is, of course, sexless marriages are nothing new. People who stay together for companionship, because they're best friends and whatnot, or because they're co-parenting, the assumption is that an intimate relationship must have sex. It must have knock your socks off, knock over the end table kind of sex, or there something's wrong. When, in reality, if the reason you're together is for all these other reasons that never really included sex- Cathy: For some people, that's wonderful. Reid: You might want to stay together. You're really approaching it from the perspective of needs. If you have sexual needs, and there's something about your current relationship where you're not able to get them met together, whether it's: somebody has an illness or ... for whatever reason. The conversation in the relationship, then is about, "Well, I have these needs. I'd like to be getting them met. How can I get them met, because they're my needs, or my responsibility, in a way that's healthy for the reasons why we're together?" If one of the reasons that you're together is for the sex, please understand, as we said in the first video, the kind of desire and libido and turn-on that you have when you're madly in love, that's a chemical high. That's your brain chemistry doing that to you versus when that high has worn off, the connection and the libido and the lust and the desire that you have without the drugs, the brain drugs, it's different, but it's still accessible. For some people, maybe they just are disinterested in sex. That can be their thing. Doesn't have to be your problem. If you want to have sex and intimacy in your life, and they don't want to partake in it, now there's a conversation about, "Well, why are the reasons that we're together. Where does sex fit into this? I want to go get this need met that honors both of us. What do we need to do?" Sometimes the answer is we need to transition. Sometimes the answer is- Cathy: For people that aren't in the poly community, a lot of people call it transition, like when you end your relationship. Reid: It means to break up or... Cathy: Become friends as opposed to lovers. Reid: Or just co-parents, or whatever that is. The challenges ... this is a lot of conversation that you need to be having to figure out what's a good fit. Most people didn't inherit really great communication skill sets from the families they grew up in. You may want to bring in a third person who's a trained listener and mediator. A therapist or counselor, something like that, to help midwife the conversations. You might want to go take a workshop and get better at communicating so you can actually have a real conversation about what you need to do. Sometimes you don't need to burn everything down and get divorced or break up. Take baby steps.
Views: 3145 ReidAboutSex
What To Do When Someone Is Really Clingy
Dealing with clingy people can be overwhelming and unsettling. Learn how to create boundaries, talk to people and upgrade your relationships. Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss dealing with clingy people in an empowered way. (Please note, we decided not to chop the beginning, and let you see how truly goofy Reid is!) Cathy: Luckily, I can edit these and chop off the beginning because you started before I was ready. Reid: No I didn't, I was ready and I started it. You weren't ready. Cathy: Would you like to introduce it then? Reid: No. Cathy:  If you're with someone who's a bit clingy, it can be really hard. You want to set a boundary (laughs). It can be very disconcerting and uncomfortable. Wow, that's almost creepy. Wow, that's really creepy. So, what do you do Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com? Reid:  What, Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com? Cathy:  When someone's ultra-clingy, what do you do? Reid: I love your website. Cathy: (Laughs) So if you're into energy, one thing you can do is imagine that they're pulling ... That a lot of people pull. There's like tendrils of energy coming out and pulling at you. You can imagine gently and caringly taking the tendrils off and putting them back on themselves. Reid: Oh, you're touching me. Cathy:(Laughs) If that doesn't work, you may need to talk to them. Reid: You should always talk to them, I think. You should be like "Hey, this is something that I'm noticing. Well this may not be real at all but in my head I have this thing going on and I want to share it with you. I am experiencing you, or maybe I'm just concerned or worried about our relationship getting really clingy." Cathy: Getting kind of ... Reid: "Getting weird, and it's weird for me and I just need to say it." You can kind of say this as just kind of like, "Hey, I may not be right about this at all, but I need to share this with you because you deserve for me to be honest and transparent with you." Which is you role modeling for them to be honest and transparent back. Cathy:  Some people may not be aware ... There's been times when I was really focused on someone and it might have occurred as clingy or needy and maybe I was. But if someone speaks to you and tells you, rather than just walking away and ignoring it, there's a chance to save what could be a really good relationship or friendship. Just bringing it to people's awareness, that "It occurs to me that you're really kind of" ... I love the analogy is what's peeing around a bush. Dogs or cats will pee on a bush to indicate it belongs to them. I don't like to be possessed. If someone's occurs to me as peeing on me like trying to own me, sharing that experience allows them to modify their behavior, at least have some insights about it. Reid:  Other things you can say is you can be like "Hey, your enthusiasm is occurring to me. Like you're kind of ... It's feeling very claustrophobic. Would you mind creating a little bit more distance or being less enthusiastic about our connection." I have said to people like "I feel like you're claiming me in social situations." Peeing on a bush was the phrase I used. This is the phrase "I wanted to check in with you. Does that have any relevance? Is that real at all for you? Is it just me, am I just making it up?" The "Am I just making it up", I think can be really useful and gentle because people can be like "Yeah, you're totally making it up." You basically call them out on something without having to blame them. Cathy:  Yes. Reid: Then if somebody gets pushy or weird with you, when you've already spoken up the first time. And I get that for some people, this can be really challenging. Just finding your words can feel really confronting. For me it's like "Is this just me? Maybe this is just me, I'm in my head about this." I'll kind of apologize without taking my power away. Which is also my way of taking ownership of this should I be wrong. Cathy: Yeah. Reid:  When you call people out that first time, the second time it's easier for you to speak up and be a little bit more direct. Be like "I really do feel like you're being bossy with me, or kind of energetic and spooging all over me and that's not cool." Cathy:  Well, you can also ... If you can give someone specifics, that really helps. "When you said this and started using the term 'we' about what we were going to do, that felt very uncomfortable for me." When you give someone specifics that might ... They might have different cultural expectations, or beliefs, or just experiences.
Views: 5531 ReidAboutSex
If You Have HSV1 (Herpes) How Do You Know When You Can Kiss Again?
When is it safe to kiss people if you have herpes? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “If you have HSV-1 or Herpes 1, how do you know when to kiss again?” That’s really a pointy question. If you found out and diagnosed with something, how do you know when you’re safe? How do you know when you can reach out and reconnect again? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Would you like a grape? Alright, go! Cathy: So there isn’t a “safe time” for say where you could not transmit HSV-1. They think it’s likely if you’re not having an outbreak but it’s always important to talk to your potential partners about it before you kiss them. Now, there are lot of people that have HSV-1 and it’s not the… Reid: I have HSV-1. I have herpes! People still sleep with me. Cathy: Yes and you tell people before you kiss them? And that’s… Reid: Well, actually I don’t tell everybody I have herpes before I kiss them. Cathy: No? Reid: No. So… Cathy: You tell everybody before you sleep with them? Reid: Before I sleep with them. But I’ve made out with lots of people and not told them and… this promise you we get lots of comments about this. You’re going to figure this one out for yourself but what it comes down to is herpes is isn’t fatal and my heart goes out to folks who have herpes that have too many [inaudible 00:01:39] outbreaks. Cathy: Or compromising immune system before it’s… Reid: Compromising immune system where it becomes trickier. It’s possible to get herpes in your eye in things like that but for the most parts statistically speaking, herpes is not fatal. Statistically speaking most people have 1, 2, 3 or 4 outbreaks. Cathy: They get smaller. They get less… Reid: Outbreaks get less and less. We have better and better medications to help prevent outbreaks and things like that. With those exceptions, herpes is really something that hast just a lot of cultural stigma and baggage. It’s just a pain in the ass. Cathy: Originally, it was not considered as “sexually transmitted” like issue. There wasn’t really a stigma. It was a skin condition that some people got. I forget it was in a 50s or 70s, one of the drug companies found out something that would help treat it and so they kind of stigmata… if you have this, it’s a sexual, they made it shameful. Reid: Yeah and depending on your emotional and physical needs are around feeling safe or a partner or a new partner, we have to recognize there’s a lot of stigma here. My advice is for you to figure out what your needs are around disclosure and be as good as you can about those things as best as you can. Also do the emotional work and have community around you if you’re HSV positive so that you can work through the stigma and the shame around it so that you can use your words to talk to people more about this. Sometimes, I tell people that I have herpes when I make me out them. This is a tricky thing to talk about but if you think you have a cold and you’re going to kiss somebody, do you stop and tell them? There’s a little fly. Cathy: They fell to the grapes. Reid: No! If you think you have coming down to cold, do you tell somebody you’re going to kiss them or not? A cold is the most common sexually transmitted infection out there. I want to underscore get good at being able to talk to people about this stuff so that you can speak up and that’s not the issue. To answer the actual question, now we know about herpes that you can be what’s called “shedding”, you can be contagious anytime, you can be contagious when you’re not having an outbreak. You can be somebody like me who’s never had an outbreak that they know of but still test positive and understanding that, “Hey, you know I can give you herpes and not be in having an outbreak, is that okay with you?” It’s a simple check in like that. Cathy: And you can also check with your doctor. There’s a medicine that helps suppress that… suppress the outbreaks and intentionally reduce the chance… Reid: Intentionally reduce shedding but I don’t know that… Cathy: And neither of us are medical doctors. Kissing is not necessarily a safe act to anybody. We can get a cold, a flu. Aunt Gertrude can kiss us on the cheek with a cold sore and all of the sudden we have HSV-1. It’s not “safe” like it’s never like, “Oh it’s a hundred percent safe to kiss anybody.” But it’s usually worth it. Reid: And when you are having an outbreak, we know you’re shedding and so then it would not be “safe”, that is when you are contagious for sure and so please avoid kissing people when you have an active outbreak. That’s just common sense but not really common sense because people don’t talk about like that.
Views: 12557 ReidAboutSex
How Can You Be More Present During Sex?
Being present during sex can enhance pleasure and connection. But how do you do that? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Have you meet more presents during sex? Reid: I’m sorry, what? Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com Cathy: And we we’re just talking about of how to notice your partner energy more. And one of the basic things you need to do for that and for any really good sex is to be present in your body. And that’s sometimes easier some of that. It’s certainly not over tenuous full and like were really taught to live in our head. Reid: Yah! And a lot of people have worries, and concerns, shames, fears so your there trying to get all juicy and have fun but can’t stop worrying about, “Does my belly look weird?” or “Am I making weird face?” Cathy: “Am I going to fart?” Reid: “Do I smell bad?” or “They are really enjoying themselves?” All these things … Cathy: I forgot to buy orange juice. Reid: Yeah Cathy: Oh no! I [inaudible 00:00:59] the old days that had sex making grocery lists in my head. Reid: (Nodding)… no comment. Cathy: (Laugh)… So Reid: So, the questions is, what are the things that you can do to practice and foster the ability to get out of your head and in to your body? And also be in your body and with your partner in ways where you can also be having more fun and tuning into them more which is often more hot for the other person. Cathy: Yes! Reid: Having sex or playing in non-sexual, sensual ways with people who are paying attention to you and having fun and feeling more pleasure way more fun. So what is your advice, Cathy? Cathy: Well first of all just realizing that everybody has a channel in our heads. We call some hamsters… I think it’s a great analogy that you’ve hamsters running around scooting. And sometimes telling your partner like, “Hey! I’m noticing that I’m feel like you’re going to really notice my belly and it’s too big and you’re going to judge me.” To say that al lot of scary as it is. After you do it a few times it’s like, “Oh okay” just getting it out. Maybe them saying, “Could you look right now? I want to be present with you.” Its sounds corny but it can really be a good way. Oh okay that settle away at least I’ve taken that out. Reid: And example for me is… at my tender age I can’t always get erection when I like one. If I don’t tell and it’s obvious that I do not have a hard on, but it’s really helpful if I just say, “Just so we all know. I ‘m not getting up right now.” I just need to say it to get out of my head rather than trying to keep it like some secret. It sends me into shame spiral much more useful that gives me more access to come the squeaky wheels that the hamsters are running on in my head. So that I can actually be for present. Cathy: Yeah! And for me when I meditates it is actually can be a form of meditation like, “Okay damn! I forgot to get the kids homework together. Okay that’s a thought. Let’s make a notice. I’m going to put that over here I’m going to come back to what I do with my partner. Oh oh I forgot the orange juice. Okay that’s a thought I noticed that and I’m going to come back.” And you can just train yourself over time and I really love what you do about being present with your fingertips like when you’re touching someone. When you put your awareness in your fingertips or in your mouth or in whatever part of your bodies is being activated that can bring you very present. It’s a great body awareness kind of thing. Reid: You kind of imagine like listening with your hands or with your mouth almost like it’s a stethoscope like put your attention and your intention in that body part and try to tune in more and listen more with those body parts rather than unconsciously like [inaudible 00:03:56] Cathy: Yeah! And noticing like the texture. Can I touch you? So you just like noticing the texture, “Oh your shirts kind of soft. Wow your skin is warm.” If you could just listen and pay attention to what’s actually happening. That’s a lot easier where you focus. You kind of draw your awareness instead of like, “Oh I’m going to make a lists of the things I needed to do.” It’s not really hot for you either or the other person.
Views: 3164 ReidAboutSex
When Your Partner Has Herpes...
It can be frightening when you find out that your partner has Herpes. How do you support your partner while you deal with your reaction? Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com share. Reid: We're going to talk about herpes, yeah. I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: What are we talking about today? Cathy: We're talking about herpes. I had someone write in, and he was concerned. He has herpes I, but he just found out the person he's with has herpes II, and he's not quite sure how to handle that or what to do with it, because he doesn't want to end up with herpes II and have the relationship not work out, and then he's left alone with herpes. Reid: Left alone. With herpes I and II. Never to be picked from anyone ever again, because you are now a pari-no it is not true! Cathy: Yeah. Reid: Ladies and gentlemen. Members, friends of the jury. If you geek out about herpes, and again like everyone's got their own baggage. Usually from culture, and from family and growing up and stuff like that. Maybe you got shamed in an 8th grade relationship, or in high school or in college, or maybe you got shamed last week. Herpes, in my opinion, not a big deal except culturally. Cathy: Yeah. I've had doctors shame me just because I wanted to get tested for it. It is, there's a lot of shame in our culture, and people act like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. Reid: It's not the end of the world. My best advice, hang out with sex geeks who know more about things like this, and if people are really freaking out that you have herpes, then don't date them. End of story. Go date people like us, who are like, "Oh OK, what kind of herpes? When did you find out? How did you find out? Tell me everything." It's not that big of a deal when you actually do the research and figure out why you're scared, or fearful, or afraid that if you had it, or if people know you have it, or if you catch it from somebody, like what are you afraid's going to happen? Cathy: I know I was afraid, especially with the commercials on TV. I felt like you constantly had horrible outbreaks that were incredibly painful, and nasty, and most people have 3 to 5 outbreaks getting less intense as time goes. Reid: Yeah. Then, you could be that small percentage of the population that has horribly painful outbreaks frequently. My heart goes out to those people. I have herpes I, I've never had an outbreak that I know of, but I have friends who are the ones who get those painful outbreaks, and it sucks. However, I still sleep with them. Me. You are going to be different, but there are people out there who will love you if you have herpes. They are there, and http://HerpesLife.com is a really great website, and Adriel if you're watching, thank you for doing the work that you do, which is all about community, about realizing, "Oh I don't have to be ashamed that I have this thing, and people will love me and respect me if I have it." The big news, and for the person writing in, is like ... One the good news is, it's very rare that you get both strains of herpes. If you already have herpes I, and your partner has herpes II, odds are, you're not going to catch II. Odds are, you're not going to give your friend who has herpes I, herpes II, or whoever has I or II. It's OK. That's the good news. Two, figure out for you, what are you scared of or afraid that's having you have the reaction about the herpes? One because you already have it, you have herpes I, so what are you afraid of about herpes II? Get really clear, write it down and get clear about what are you actually afraid of. Have a conversation with your partner or with people in the Herpes Life community or whatever, your therapist. Talk about your fears. It's your fears when they're not voiced that start to get a lot of control and traction in here. Cathy: Yeah, and it's really easy to blame someone else when we feel powerless. The more information you have, it's easier to talk about it without shaming or blaming, and if you can, be gentle with both of you. It's a challenging discussion, and it can bring out some beautiful things in your relationship about how much you do care about each other, and what's important for you. Reid: It's important just in relationships and with your friendships and family members to talk about your fears in general. There's a lot of fear and stigma around STI's and STD's. Cathy: I loved when…the first time I heard Reid talk about STI's, he had everybody shout out what they thought the most common STI was, and everyone was like, "Herpes! Chlamydia," whatever. He's like, "No, it's the common cold." I was like, "Oh." It just really normalized it for me. We do share things when we're sexual with each other, when we're connected with each other. We can be careful and get tested, but it's OK. We can take care of most of it.
Views: 55462 ReidAboutSex
Why is Vulnerability Vital to Intimacy?
Why is Vulnerability Vital to Intimacy? Get the deep, meaningful relationships by being authentic and transparent. Learn why and how you can share more of the REAL you! Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share simple, practical steps you can take to bring the passion back into your life, and create warmth and love again. Cathy: We're here today talking about vulnerability. Hi, Reid. Reid: Hi, Cathy. Cathy: And vulnerability is really important for intimacy. Reid: It is? Cathy: Yeah. Reid: It is. It's wicked important, super important. Cathy: Without being able to be vulnerable, we can't connect deeply with others and they won't even know we're there. They won't be able to find what we've been hoping someone will find and want to connect with. Reid: I would say that without being vulnerable, you're not really being real with folks and you're not role modeling that they can be real back to you and so the connection if you do create a connection is probably false or superficial. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: And that will cost you in the end. Cathy: Yes it will. I grew up in that pattern but a lot of people go through their entire life pretending to be what they think the other person wants them to be. Reid: Yeah. Cathy: And that's not a good way to feel the warmth and connection that would really make life fulfilling. Reid: No, because then the other person is pretending like trying to give you what they think you want to be and then everything is off skew and people's assessments aren't necessarily always correct. Cathy: Right. It's like being in a play where nobody knows what the other people's roles are and you're just kind of reading from a script and never being yourself. Reid: Yeah. Cathy: So I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com here with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Could you share a little bit about vulnerability and how we can be vulnerable when we're scared? Reid: Well okay, so those are two different things. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: One is the act of being vulnerable, which for me is more about being transparent because often not hiding things from people is scary and then sometimes being vulnerable doesn't really occur as being scary either. Cathy: Okay. Reid: But most people associate vulnerability with somehow feeling not grounded or afraid that people won't choose you or choose to stick around if they really knew what you were thinking or if you were really upfront and honest with them. But that kind of vulnerability and being that way for people is actually what I think is kind of the new currency in relationships these days because what you're really talking about is being authentic. Cathy: Yes. Reid: And promoting honesty with people because you're being real with them, which builds trust and trust and vulnerability are two things that I think are more needed now than ever and more valued now than people are talking about yet. Cathy: Yes. It was surprising to me when I first started being more open with people. I had always before shared what it was safe, what I thought they were able to handle and I was wondering why I wasn't forming these connections, these friendships like I really wanted to. I never felt that there was a lot of energy moving between us. And when I started taking more risks and sharing things that I was afraid to or things that I thought they might not like, I was really surprised at the response. People were like wow and they'd open up and share stuff about themselves it was really beautiful. Reid: Uh-hum. And did that leave you feeling more connected or less when people opened up and shared things with you? Cathy: Oh, so much more connected. I made friends, I felt closer with the people that I had shared more authentically with in a couple of days than I had felt with people that I've known for ten years. Reid: Yeah. Lying unless you are a liar does not make a lot of people feel more connected. Cathy: Or hiding, people can really sense that when you're trying to keep things tucked away. Reid: Yeah. And so it really comes down to like what are you trying to protect by withholding reality or what's real for you and is that worth costing, you know, deepening your relationships or having people trust you more. We get afraid of, oh my god, what are people going to think. Cathy: Yes. Reid: But if you understand that everybody is thinking, oh my god, what people are going to think and that really most of us are thinking about what other people think way more than actually thinking about what we think about other people so which is a little bit meta. But basically what it means is get over yourself, people aren't thinking about you as much as you actually think.
Views: 3330 ReidAboutSex
What To Do If Your Lover Seems To Lose Interest
Does your partner or lover seem less interested? Distracted? Maybe even bored? What do you do? How can you revitalize the relationship and bring back the passion you used to feel? Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about creating more intimacy in your life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs3Ama6wwyA Cathy:  Hi, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and we're here with Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid:  Hi! Cathy:  Reid, what do you do if it feels like your lover is losing interest? Reid:  (pause) I'm sorry - what? (loudly) You smack him! "What are you doing? Hey, pay attention to me!" Cathy:  That doesn't always work, and there's a lot of folk tale out there about how you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to get fancy lingerie, you're supposed to ignore them. Reid:  Mmm hmm. Cathy:  I've tried those things in relationships before. Reid:  You haven't tried them with me. Cathy:  No! (laughing) I haven't tried the smacking thing either, but that's coming up there! Reid:  Just ignore them in fancy lingerie while you smack them. (laughing) I know people who are into that. Cathy:  (laughing) I'm sure you do. So can you answer the question? Reid:  No! What do you do if your partner is a jackass? Um... What I think you should do is sit down and have a real conversation with them. "This is what I'm feeling." If you want to use the Difficult Conversations Formula from my website... Cathy:  I'll put the link to that below the video... http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/ Reid:  That would be great. You know, "Here's what I'm afraid of. Here's what I'd like to create. Here's what I want to talk about." To have those conversations, to be real with each other, to figure out what's up, rather than "I'm going to use these tactics to try to get your interest." Cathy:  It's kind of manipulative, in a way. Reid:  Well, yeah, I mean, there's strategies. I mean, we can debate whether they're truly manipulative. But I think, really, what's needed is a conversation about "What interests you now?" And where do you guys share things in common? Or co-create something that excites both of you. Like, create something that is interesting to the two of you. And that, often, I think, will help jump-start something. The adage around "once people who have been together for a while who have kids, once the kids leave for college..." Cathy:  They have no interest. Reid:  They have no interest in each other because the group project of raising the family and getting them out of the nest is now complete. So the idea of creating a new team project... And again, you don't have to have kids for that. You know, you could just be... Cathy:  You don't have to have another round of kids. Reid:  Yeah. You don't have to do that. But then, I think that's one of the reasons why, with some couples, grandchildren are so important. It's like the second wave of the project that they had rallied around, and there's a lot of social context and support for those projects. But it can be whatever you guys want to create. And I think what needs to happen is you sit down and be like, "What interests you these days? I want to create something collaborative with each other that gets us excited. What is that for you? Do you have any ideas?" And you guys can start sketching it out.
Views: 2634 ReidAboutSex
Want A Stable Relationship But Don't Want To Move In Or Get Married? What Does That Look Like?
What can you do to establish a long term relationship that doesn't include shacking up or getting hitched? What does that look like? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Someone wrote in and said they love the slut protocols that you put together. Reid: Yeah, http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/slutproto.... Cathy: But they wanted to know if you have created a set of protocols for longer term relationships that are not about the relationship or they have lived in together. They wonder about that immediate territory between living together non-exclusively and monthly hook ups. They’re wondering if there is such a thing as stable weekly dating relationship more so to long term friends with benefits when friends are really deep friends or is that biologically impossible. Reid: Nothing is biologically impossible except fuck going or fucking yourself. Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Oh, you changed your shirt again. Reid: Duh! Boo! Cathy: So, I think it is entirely possible. You don’t have a lot of role models for that. Most people were like ‘when are you getting married?’ ‘when are you moving in?’. Reid: Well, because relationships – if you like somebody you’re supposed to be moving in towards the trajectory. Cathy: Yeah, to kids and retirement. Reid: Can’t just be a satellite, stable orbit around whatever it is that you need. I like that, that was good. You’ve got the taste of the grass. What do you think? How do you like my analogy, my friend? Cathy: So, I think, I mean, you don’t have a set of protocols yet for something like that. Reid: Well, uhm.. you think I don’t? Cathy: Or you haven’t shared them publicly or with me. Reid: Of course. [inaudible 00:01:26] everything. Basically, the slut protocol or the casual sex protocols are things to watch out for that tend to have people fall in love whether they are intending to fall in love or not. Basically, imprinting and bonding. Cathy: Yeah, make it cautious [inaudible 00:01:49] rather than.. Reid: So, when you know how you imprint and how you start to fall in love you can back it up a little bit so you can still have funs and still care a lot of people but not go into a crazy ‘I’m stoned on you, I need you like you’re my drug dealer fix’. So, that’s what the casual sex protocols are all about. Don’t take your casual sex casually. We can apply these things as well to your friends with benefits or I want to have a deep meaningful relationship but not make you a life partner, not move in, not moving towards the trajectory of whatever you want out of a deep long term relationship. Cathy: Which is partly dating your specie finding someone who want that as well and has any other needs may else work. Reid: Yeah. And so, dating your specie is not a thing you can get on my website store http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/store and that will help you start figuring out what your preferences and needs are and you can do that protocol for friendships. You can do that exact same protocols for ‘I want to have a monthly or weekly dating relationship’ with somebody who is also a good fit for that. When you start trying to make somebody into something that they’re not a good fit, you’re creating a headache for yourself and frustration usually for them. So, this is where it is tricky because you’re like ‘Reid, I really, really like them’ which is your version of which I should rephrase as ‘Reid, I have these needs that are important to me and this person can’t meet them’ in which case you then go a logical dealt. I should find somebody who can meet them which will kick up all your ‘I’ll be alone forever, I’ll be only one’ which will be hopefully less troubling because you haven’t fallen in love with them because you have been following the casual sex protocols. Right? But when you have fallen in love with them, you’re cooked, you’re fucked. Because you’re like ‘ahhh’ you’re stoned on them. So, you have to do the work. The odds that this is just going to happen organically because your life is about being organic. Listen, farming organically, my farmer friends can confirm this, has a lot of freaking work to make things great and organic takes a lot of work and it is delicious. Delicious and good for you. So, put the work in to figure out what you need. I’m babbling, you go. Cathy: No, but.. Reid: Speak! Give them advice, wisdom. Now! As you can tell, I’m passionate about this stuff. Cathy: So, if you have a really good understanding about what your needs are and what you want and you share that with another person like you’re very upfront and you have an excellent strategy in place...
Views: 2954 ReidAboutSex
Clitoral Legs and How They Can Rock Her World
Most people haven't heard of clitoral legs. But changing the way you approach the clit can dramatically increase pleasure, whether you're playing solo or with someone else. Join Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacydojo.com and learn more! Cathy: Have you ever wondered about a woman's clit? Did you know that the clit has legs? I actually didn't know this. I had one for 40-some years before I found out, but it's really fun. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Hi. And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: And... Reid: Today we're talking about the clitoral legs. Cathy: They're amazing. Reid: They are amazing. So without jumping to graphs or diagrams or whatnot, what I can recommend is a book by Sheri Winston. It's called The Anatomy of Female Arousal and this is where I learned, I think where I first learned about the clitoral legs was from Sheri. So the basic idea is that the clit if this were the clitoris, coming off of the clit are what are called the clitoral legs and they're underneath the labia. Cathy: Uh-hum. Reid: And they're one of the reasons why when somebody who has a vulva is getting aroused and the erectile tissue in the clitoris is all engorged, why the labia of the pussy can seem like more puffy. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: And the blood and the color like changes because there's more blood flow there. Why this is important for those of us who like to play with vulvas and maybe the vulva that you're playing with is your own -- Cathy: Yes. Reid: -- is that those clitoral legs are just as sensitive as the rest of the clitoris and that erogenous erectile tissue once it gets engorged with blood and oxygenated, those nerve endings come online and start registering pleasure in a way that they don't when any kind of erectile tissue isn't engorged. Cathy: Right. Reid: When it's not turned on and aroused. Cathy: In a way, it's sort of like kissing just the corner of someone's mouth the whole time if you're just playing with the clit. Reid: Yeah. If you're just playing with the clit, you're missing a whole opportunity of a bunch of other stuff and there's more erectile tissue in the female body as well, which maybe we'll go into in another video. But the basic idea is, the way that I like to teach people about the clitoral legs is what I like to call the Vulcan or the sex geek hand sign, which is the sex geek hand sign is this. So when I'm going to play with somebody's vulva, I can put my palm of my hand up against their pubic mound and my fingers are going to go on either side of the vaginal opening. So basically where the labia of the pussy are, are where my fingers are going to be. So I'm not going for the hole right away, which is a whole other mistake that a lot of people do is we go for the whole too soon. What you want to be doing is playing with the clitoral legs and putting gentle but firm pressure on the pubic mound and kind of do this massage kind of technique. Cathy: It's highly recommended. Reid: Or like the finger wave. It looks kind of cool. Cathy: Yeah, it does. Reid: So you want to be that person okay, who's playing with the vulva that way. And what you end up doing is by using your fingers to put pressure on the labia, you're massaging the clitoral legs underneath. And because the clitoris until it's really super aroused for a lot of people it's so sensitive. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: The palm of your hand is putting firm pressure in kind of gentle massaging motion, which for most people isn't too much stimulation. Cathy: Uh-hum. Reid: So try that out but for this video know that the clitoris goes back into the body underneath the pubic bone and that coming down from clitoris underneath, behind the labia the lips of the pussy, are two little legs of erectile tissue filled with nerve endings, lots of fun. Cathy: Yes. Reid: And you know it's all starting to work really well when you're playing with those clitoral legs and your partner starts to kind of humping your hand. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: Because that means that things are aroused. Cathy: Yes. Reid: They're starting to come online, things are starting to feel good and the reason that we hump is we're flexing our pelvic floor muscles, which this erectile tissue comes through. Basically, the reason we hump is you're flexing these pelvic floor muscles that are in your pelvic hence pelvic floor, but you're kind of jerking yourself off from the inside. So when you're doing your Spock sex geek gang sign move, then you're getting it all going and they start humping, that's how you know. Cathy: Try it out. Reid: Try it out and get Sheri's book if you can. Bye.
Views: 43038 ReidAboutSex
I Just Found Out My Boyfriend Has Herpes... What Do I Do?
My boyfriend just told me he has Herpes, what do I do now? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli with http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Someone wrote in and said hey Reid, I really hope you get the chance to read this reply. I just found out my boyfriend had herpes he had it like 10 years. We’ve been together about 6 months having unprotected sex and in the 6 months this is the first time he said he had an outbreak that’s why he’s telling me about it now. I just saw your video on YouTube thanks for that it really helped get rid of the big stigma around it. It’s not as scary as I thought. It gave me a lot of perspective. I feel confused and overwhelmed but I still I continue my relationship and I am more worried about my mental health because of the conflicts around us. Thanks for the help that you can give. This is Reid Mihalko form http://www.ReidAboutSex.com Reid: And Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. There is great- Adriel runs in website called age opportunity, herpes opportunity. Google it. We’ll try to put the link below. The big thing is the more you learn, generally speaking you might start to freak out and going to get overwhelmed but the more you start to learn about herpes and we have several videos on herpes, the more you hopefully realize, oh okay. Now that I know, now that I am making the unknown known, here’s what we’re dealing with and then a place to start to get information accurate medically, accurate information coz there's a lot of shame and misinformation out there. And then always start with what I need physically safe, what do I need to feel emotionally safe always understand that it also happening to your partners as well and that you guys may have different needs around those things. And then just take baby steps to start mapping out on what do you need. Cathy: One thing I want to lookout too there’s, he didn’t tell you he knew about it, did you have safer sex elevator speech www.ReidAboutSex.com/elevator A lot of us don’t, a lot of society doesn’t we kind of a drift in to it. I’m sure there fine they could have said something we all assume. It is so powerful to have that if he had it there's some clean up to do there and you can get to decide whether you can trust him or not going forward because it’s a boundary violation to not if you ask if you have a conversation and he never not told you, he should really have told you before you had set unprotected sex. Gary Chapman and Jennifer something why I always forget her name I am sorry Jennifer. When sorry is not enough, is the book to find. It has five languages of apology going through that might be important for you to kind of see if you want to clean it up or move on if he’s lied to you in a way that it bothered you that much. Reid: We don’t know if they lied. They just didn’t share. Cathy: He had it for 10 years, we don’t know if he lied or not. Reid: They’ve been dating for 6 months, they have unprotected sex and Cathy: And he never told her. Reid: We don’t know if they had a safer sex conversation. Cathy: No, I’m not saying they should break up, if it something they should consider and maybe go see your doctor and get tested. It takes a little bit to show up in the blood system so you may have to, I think it’s a month. Reid: It 2 weeks generally but then a month, 2 weeks to the first outbreak- ish and for the anti-body to show up I think it maybe a month. Cathy: And for the meantime you can have unprotected sex if depending where his outbreak is and if that would help. Reid: The good news is herpes is not fatal, there’s a lot of stigma attached to it. Some people can have really painful outbreaks frequently, most people tend to have 3-4 outbreaks and then they kind of fade of, they show up every once in a while not everybody gets really frequent outbreaks, not everybody gets painful outbreaks for those who gets frequent and or painful, you know you do the short straw on the herpes you know haystack and that just sucks. And you can use retro virals and things like that [inaudible 00:04:23] why not to try to suppress the outbreaks which can help for some people. Do some other research, try some things, talk to your doctors, and understand they may not be experts that’s why age opportunity is a great website coz there some geeks over there to kind of stuff and they really do not practice not shaming, not stigmatizing and the tricky part is you know when your partner that you have been unprotected sex with partners, you can risk being exposed just because the nature of skin to skin contact and how herpes gets transmitted and that condoms and what not don’t cover everything. Cathy: We hope this helps and we are sorry that you’re struggling with this. Know that you can get through this and you’ll be okay.
Views: 6263 ReidAboutSex
College Lecture: Porn and Sex Addiction with Reid Mihalko, Stony Brook College
A snippet on Porn and Sex Addiction taken from sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com's longer lecture, "Non-Conservative Sex: From Fantasies to Taboos to Kink to Queer to Poly and More!" Taped at Stony Brook College in February 2011, this lecture's description went as follows: "What is "out of the box" these days when it comes to sex? What if you think what turns you on isn't "normal?" The good news is thinking about all types of sex and wanting to explore "other things" is normal and healthy! However, talking about our desires, knowing where to go for good information, and learning how to explore new things safely can be daunting. It's not like you can ask your Dean or the graduate TA, right? Join sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko for a candid conversation about the "other" sex that's out there. Reid will walk us through an overview of "non-conservative sex" as well as ways you can safely explore your sexuality solo and with others! Topics will include: taboos and fantasies, queer sex, kink and BDSM, open relationships, threesomes and moresomes, fetishes, masturbation and celibacy. Reid will also discuss tools to figure out what turns you and your partners on and tips for how to ask for what you want. You might be surprised to discover what turns your crank is more common than you think and that sex doesn't have to be a shameful thing!" Reid: …other things? Porn! Wooo… yeah. Again, my only note to porn is just know that some porn doesn’t look like what real love making and fucking looks like. There’s a lot of queer porn out now that is supposed to be like much more realistic. The cunnilingus looks like this… not like this… that’s how you know, okay? But even some of that queer porn they’re getting on and they kind of turning for the camera because you just still want to see this stuff happening which isn’t really like you do at home with your partners. You’re not like… you’re doing it in this weird position. You only do that when there’s a mirror in the room and you’re like, “Yeah… mirror” and then your partner’s like, “What the fuck are you doing? Get back in the other position” and you’re be like, “Sorry, dear.” Okay? There’s a lot of stuff in the news about porn addiction and sex addiction and stuff like that. If you think you have a problem or you think that a partner or a lover has a problem, there’s a lot of resources on the web around 12-step programs. I, myself expecting you’re doing sex and love addicts anonymous because I’d really bad breakup in the open relationship and I find on my thought I might be a “sex addict” and so I spent a year doing the 12-step program to kind of find out. What I found out is I was using sex and love to feel some self-esteem issues that I have. And once I figured those things out, I did the emotional work and short up those gaping holes, “Love me. Tell me I’m a good person.” Once I figured those things out then it was like, “Wow! I’m kind of slut.” Which in that program wouldn’t be allowed because I was “relapsing”. That was really tricky for me to figure out like, “Am I really relapsing or am I really polyamorous and I like to be slutty?” If you are looking into any of those 12-step programs and you’re not really sure what’s going on, you’re more than welcome to email me or call me. I’ll tell you what my experience was more in-depth. The problem with 12-step programs around sex addiction is there’s not good role modeling in our culture for what not monogamy looks like. Because SLAA is based on AA and the way that they say this many people as possible and they say, “You never going to drink again.” And that kind of saves “makes everybody” as the easiest choice to help the most people. There are people in AA who can learn how to drink responsibly but if they start telling people, “Oh, you can drink responsibly” then the people who could never drink responsibly it’s going to fall right off the wagon. It keeps things more simple in sex and love addicts programs or the 12-step based, basically what they say is you can only have one relationship at a time or one sexual partner at a time. Because we don’t have a good role model for open relationships and ethical sluts. So know that it can get a little bit tricky if you figure out your self-esteem issues and your non-monogamous. That program will tell you you’re relapsing, I have a different opinion for that so if you ever have to deal that kind of stuff, come talk to me. Similar with porn addiction – people who use porn and it kind of squish with their life. There’s also people who use video games and squish with their life. It doesn’t make porn bad.
Views: 4227 ReidAboutSex
Reid's Tantric Kundalini Awakening at Bawdy Storytelling
Reid's Tantric Kundalini Awakening at Bawdy Storytelling's "Where The Wild Things Are" show in San Francisco's The Verdi Club, March 12, 2014 Dixie: Our final storyteller is Reid Mihalko! Reid: They’re great! Hello everybody. Go on, take a deep breath and go, “Ooh!” I’m dreaming, but I don’t know I’m dreaming. I’m walking through the fourth grade school, middle school or grade school that I went to, going from room to room and the doors are closed and the school is empty. Remember the glass with the wire in the glass? What the fuck was that about? Chinese game! I’m looking and in my head I’m looking for something, I’m looking for something and I look into one room and there are all these desks in a circle-spirally thing and there’s two chairs in the middle. This woman who’s all dressed in white and blond, she looks a cross between [inhesh 00:01:33] and Jewel, the singer. As all these and they’re all taking a test and she sees me and she goes. I opened up the door, I walk in and I go through the chairs and I sit down and she leans over and she goes, “Happy birthday.” I’m like, “It’s not my birthday.” She puts her hand on my knee and with this piercing gaze [inhesh 00:02:03]/Jewel goes, “It’s your birthday.” In my head I’m like, “This is fucking weird.” She turns to the kids and she goes … she’s still mad and I realized it’s all blond kids with the Dutch haircut and is like children of the corn and everyone is wearing white and she goes, “Children, put your pens away, your pencils away. We have this special guest here, it’s his birthday today.” All the kids are [inaudible 00:02:34]. I’m like, “What the fuck?” I turned to the kids and I’m like, “I am so glad I came here today. I didn’t know it was my birthday.” They giggle and I turn to [inhesh 00:02:51]/Jewel and I go, “I have to go, I’m looking for something.” She puts her hand on my knee again and she goes, “I know. You have a great day.” I’m like, “okay.” I leave, I close the door and I’m walking into the next room and I’m like, “What am I looking for?” and I wake up. Fast forward, I’m standing over a hole in the earth, in the mountainside, like in a mountain farm thing in the Mountains of Tennessee. It is a gay radical fairy sanctuary which means butch and fabulous farmers in [Lamei 00:03:38]. If you have never seen a gay man farm a hoe in hills, you want to get your ass to radical fairy sanctuary. I just happen to be there un-belting which is the Pagan, it’s the big high holidays, the fertility festival. There is a hole in the earth that we have laid out right next to a huge belting pole, just a live tree that we just stripped, stripped the bark on, we’re trying ribbons to it but it’s too long for the ribbons, it’s too tall. I’m standing there in a [inaudible 00:04:20] with an axe and I am chopping 10 feet off the end of this huge pole so that we can then ram it into the earth, dance around the tie ribbons made maple and then all fuck. I was not always a sex geek and I was not always a mystic. I am a woo-woo person, I speak woo-woo flirtingly, I have had experiences which I know there not science for because as a skeptic, I love my double blind peer tested review cheat. I just do. Energy and all these Northern California stuff wasn’t really big in New York City when I live there. However, I used to be a martial artist and energy to me was like, “Let’s blindfold ourselves and try to kick each other’s ass. I started once I got good at hurting people, I was interested in making people better and so I started looking at massage and acupuncture and things like that. I met this amazing woman and we’re going to call her Radha, it was a Radha. It’s just a name because that was Krishna’s girlfriend or wife or something like that. She was an ex-ballerina and a yokini and I started trading massages with her and when I would trade her, before we did she warned me, she goes, “I might get a little twitchy.” I’m like, “Is that mean it’s hurting?” She goes, “No.” “That’s a good thing. What she meant by twitchy was trying to ride a bucking bronco. The more relax she got the more floppy and spasmy she got to the extent that you knew you’re giving her a really good massage. She went into a back bend, she’s going like, “Ooooh!” “What the fuck is going on Radha?” She goes, “It’s kundalini and it’s called the kriyas and it’s my Shakti moving through.” I’m like, “Shakti? It’s like key and chi and karate.” She’s like, “Yes.” I’m like, “Let’s do martial arts. Show me more of this… Oooooh!”
Views: 13959 ReidAboutSex
If I Have Herpes and Give Birth, Will My Child Get Herpes?
Do I need to have a C-section to avoid giving my child Herpes? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: We had a couple of people write in and asked about having herpes and having children, they wanted to know if they had herpes will the child get it? Is it safe? And if they would have C-section, will the child be safer? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. We’re not doctors nor do we play them on the Internets. Cathy: I’m a doctor. Reid: You’re a doctor with the letters at the end, not the letters in the front. Not a medical doctor. Yes but a PhD with lots of patents which is what the P stands for? Cathy: Yes, of course. Reid: Patents. Advice from a sex geek and also a sex geek who is also an engineer. Do your own research as well. I would point you at a couple resources. One is http://www.cdc.gov/, https://herpesopportunity.com/. They’re awesome folks, my always go-to for everybody even older adults, http://www.scarleteen.com/. Google Scarleteen that is one T and go to their website. There’s also a lot of other great information out there but for the most part unless you are having a huge outbreak and passing your baby through your vagina during the outbreak, you can have herpes and not give your baby herpes from birth. You might get herpes later by kissing it.. Cathy: [inaudible 00:01:37] it? Reid: [inaudible 00:01:38] could which is how a lot of people get herpes and Gertrude given all those people your herpes. Much like a family member or like casual affection, kisses on the face and stuff like that and through C-section. One of the ways they will deal with somebody’s having a herpes outbreak who’s in labor is to have a C-section. Mostly the best concerns that it will get herpes on around their eyes which is a big risk there. Other than that it’s pretty much [inaudible 00:02:17] and the rest of the world giving somebody something that is very common. Sometimes it’s just a pain because you have to be that person who has outbreaks that is painful but for the most part it’s not fatal. It’s more of a hugely culturally stigmatized situation that something to be that is ruining your life forever there are a lots of people who don’t mind and have a great loving relationships and will date and sleep with people who have herpes I have to be one of them and you can get more support at https://herpesopportunity.com/ which is run by some really great people and I think they do great work and it’s community based support. Cathy: Thanks very much for asking your questions. We really appreciate them and we hope this helps. Reid: Leave some comments. What do you think?
Views: 4427 ReidAboutSex
Mastering Saying What's Not Being Said!
If you want more depth and intimacy in your relationships, learn to say what's not being said. You'll build trust, ease and honesty into your connections. Join http://www.Relationship10x.com Today! Reid Mihalko from http://www.Relationship10x.com and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com presents Relationship10x Free Training Videos. Reid: Hello everybody. It is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com broadcasting to you from http://www.Relationship10x.com where we are going to teach people how to transform their relationships 10 times over in a little 10 minute video. That is the challenge that I’ve set for myself is today, I’m going to teach you how to navigate emotional distress and also be better communicator. But first, I just want to say thank you so much all of you who commented on the first video and who’d been joining us to this video sequences. I’m so excited about all the buzz and the emails and the text and everything that I’m getting from people so thank you so much for being a part of this whole thing and being interested in taking all the craziness that happens during the holidays and actually turning it from something that you survived with your friends, family, and loved ones and to something that you can actually thrive and we talked about last time in the first video how you can feel more romantic for your partner or how you can transform their experience of your relationship by the ways that you’re orienting and understanding their romantic orientation. What you can do to leverage their love languages and how to create a romance homerun and I’m really excited for the comments and the suggestions that people are putting in because during the next video is when we get to announce at the end of that video who’s going to win the sex geek t-shirt. This is all very, very excited but we only have left like 8 more minutes for this video for me to teach you a whole bunch of stuff so let’s just dive in. The first thing I want to teach you today, the first concept is a relationship mistake that a lot of people make because the way that we raise in culture, the way that we were role-modeled relationships growing up and the concept is that, most people are asking in the relationships. They’re asking for what they think the people around them will be a yes to. Alright? So what a lot of people are doing is calibrating like well, okay, what are they going to say yes to and then they’re figuring out how to ask for that rather that actually getting clear about what it is that they really want and what they can then basically do is how they can ask for it in a way that gives the other person room to say yes or no. This concept about basically hedging your bets and only asking for the things that you think other people will be a yes for. Basically what this starts to do is create resentment in your life because what you’re doing is you slowly cutting yourself off for what you actually want in your life. You’re trying to make everybody else “happy” rather than speaking up for the things that are important to you which will leave you feeling more self-expressed and in video number 3 we’re going to talk about this whole idea about self-expression vs. attraction and what you can do to flip that cultural paradigm on its head so that your relationship starts being more self-expressed for yourself. But in this, if we take this idea that most of us have been living in our lives. Asking for the things that we think other people will be a yes for. What ends if happening is we ended up, some of us, slowly getting upset, slowly building up resentments and what ends if happening is for you to start transforming your relationship life for you to start making the holidays a little bit easier. We need to learn how to have difficult conversations. This a whole formula that I’m going to give you. Some of you might have already seen this because this gets passed around a lot in certain sex educator community circles. This is my difficult conversation formula and below on the page is a download link for you to download an actual pdf version of this so that you can have it as a worksheet and work from and put on your fridge or whatever you want to do so you always got it with you. The way the difficult formula conversation works is basically writing exercise and what you’re going to do is you’re going to first write out, what are not saying is blank? Whatever that is, you might want to give yourself like 2 minutes to just write all the things that you’re not saying in your relationships for this example when you’re going home for holidays, make a list of the things that you’re not speaking up about or saying in your relationships in home for the holidays. You don’t have to say all of them, you don’t say any of them but getting them out on paper, way more useful than powerful than having them rattling around your head where they get a lot more momentum.
Views: 5267 ReidAboutSex
Approaching Your Partner About Anal Play
If you're curious about anal play and want to bring it up with your partner, how can you start? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Hi.  Have you ever wondered how to approach your partner about anal play? Reid: Whoa.  Man, easy.  Take it easy there. Cathy: Did you know there were 8,000 nerve endings in the anus? Reid: Whoa.  No wonder.  There's a cat walking around here.  Cathy: Do you want to restart it? Reid: No.  That's life. Cathy: It's life. Reid: It's real.  Back to anal play.  Yikes. Cathy: How do you bring it up with a partner when you haven't done it before and you'd like to try it?  You're curious. Reid: Do not do it while ... I love the cat.  Do not do it during sex. Cathy: Yes. Reid: Don't be like, "Hey, honey.  While I'm down here, what are your thoughts on anal play?"  Or they're like (sound effect).  Cathy: Try to sneak it in there like they won't notice? Reid: Yes, because a lot of people initiate the conversation by that (sound effect), little reach around.  Cathy: And see how people react.  Yes.  Reid: Get a little (sound effect). Cathy: Some people aren't into it, some people are and there's nothing wrong.  We all have different turn-ons and different things we like and for ... Reid: (Sound effect). Cathy:... for people that enjoy anal stimulation, it can be very fun. Reid: Yes.  What I would recommend is have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom, which is going to feel weird, but there's lots of great advice. Megan Andelloux says "Have those difficult conversations while you're driving, because you both can like look straight ahead. Cathy: And ignore each other. Reid: And ignore each other. You can turn the radio up because it's like, "Oh, it's uncomfortable.  Oh, I love this song."  But mostly what you're having a conversation about is the idea about possibly trying it. Cathy: Yes and kind of getting people to try out the idea, rather than, "Let's do this now, honey." Reid: Because a lot of couples, no matter what it is, anal play or whatnot, think that if we open up the Pandora's Box, so to speak, we won't be able to close it.  If we even have the conversation, oh my God, goodness, now we're not going to be able to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill and that's actually not true.  You can have a conversation about the consideration of doing this.  You can have a conversation about the conversation that we might have about this. Cathy: Or just a conversation about can we watch a video to learn more. Reid: Mm-hmm. The other thing that I would strongly recommend for people and Sadie Allison talks about this in her book, "Tickle My Tush."  Also, Tristan Taormino has great books on anal.  You know, so knowledge is power. Cathy: Yes. Reid: But the biggest thing is start playing with each other's butts without it having to be or do anything about penetration.  What you're going to do is you're going to explore creating pleasure and sensation around the buttocks, without having it have to include the anus or you're going to do massage and things where you can graze the butt, but not actually do anything with penetration, because most people's fears are about the penetration part and you can learn a lot to learn how to be more penetrative in ways that work well for folks, but the big thing is like you can create a ton, I won't say shit load, a ton of pleasure by all this stuff outside, which is technically butt play.  We just don't think about it like that. Cathy: Even when you go to get a massage, most people don't go to the glute muscles and it's great.  There's a lot of tension there.  We sit on them all day. Reid: Yes.  And even just all the pleasure that happens in your crack, because, oh my God, no one touches it there.  This is the basic thing.  It's all about baby steps, having the conversation, not in bed and then exploring a lot of different kinds of butt pleasure without it having to include anal penetration at all. Cathy: And if you decide to explore there later ... Reid: Do some research. Cathy: Yes.  Thank you. Reid: Tell us what you think on the bottom. Cathy: Leave comments below.
Views: 11487 ReidAboutSex
How Much Does Status Or Looks Matter In Dating?
Is it looks or status that matters, or something else, in dating? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: We did a video a few months ago about status, how people have different status something you should consider when you’re dating. Someone replied and said forget status it’s all about looks. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Handsome is the day’s long, this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com carrying, forgiving, compassionate, generous and skin soft. So what are we talking about? Cathy: So we’re talking about, it’s not really about when people are dating there are not looking for status according for this person and are looking for looks. Reid: Yeah asked some few men, this life sucks. Cathy: There are a lot of people out there that go by looks in Tinder just going through, looking on a face and deciding if you want to be with someone. And looks do have a lot of important in our society we taught that. We constantly bombarded with messages of having to look in a certain way. And we already get the job or the love, or whatever it is. And there’s a lot of reason for that marketing works it help us spend money coz we want to live a certain way…. Reid: Happy people don’t buy things. Happy people, do not buy things, ladies and gentlemen. Cathy: They did find that the average women look reading a Cosmo magazine will dropped the self-esteem 30% going through one magazine. They do emphasize, our society empathize that and there is an association that created like on TV if you watch a sitcom, I just turnoff the sound coz it helps me focus but you’ll see the pretty people that have fun or see the smart gets the job. But in generally the non-pretty ones are not seen us so there not going to get, you won’t see it showing as they’re getting good things in life. Our brain associates that it’s not actually true loving someone that’s is really cool and good fit to you is far more important than finding someone who’s perfect looking. In fact one of my colleague in pastor whom I adored, she was an older woman about her 50, I guess she’s older now but the time she was older. Reid: Coz you were younger. Cathy: She was amazing, so charismatic, so dynamic woman, amazing teacher we all adored her we took all her classes. Reid: She was a good teacher. Cathy: And a few years late, I saw her in brochure were she was getting distinguish professorship or something and without any context I looked at it and I was like “Oh my God, this woman is kind of ugly” She was not, I just see her as amazing like I never seen here, like I never evaluated her looks in that sense she was just amazing person. But out of context she was not conventionally pretty people would look like. So I think so much more about who you are in the world and I want to spend time with people that are amazing not just looking on a certain way. Reid: So this might be a problem, to be a nerd and pick this up a part like when we say people who are amazing like understand culture is having its way of you, right? Coz that’s statement “you want to spend time with people who are amazing” what about the mediocre people who are just playing I guess Cathy does not want to spend time with them. So then they feel broken, so then they feel they can’t hang out with the cool kids, right? And that we have YouTube channel and that you have and you’re watching and you don’t want to be in front of the camera so you can never get to hang out with us. But this is the thing, this is all culture. Cathy: But my amazing may not be someone else’s amazing. Reid: Aha! Cathy: The people that are really good fit with me got me very excited, maybe someone else’s mediocre and that people are my not that I call people mediocre but if there’s somebody they might find something else there excited about. Reid: First of, a mediocre person is always at their best.
Views: 3594 ReidAboutSex
How Not To Fall In Love!
Want to NOT fall in love? How can you do that? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com http://reidaboutsex.com/slut-protocols/ Cathy: What if you don't want to like someone? What if you don't want to fall in love? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Are you trying to tell me something, Cathy? This is basically like how do I get good at hating people and staying hating them? Cathy: No. It's about how not to fall in love if you don't want to - Reid: Ah. Cathy: - which is very different and a very useful technique. Reid: Go to http: //www.ReidAboutSex.com/slutprotocols. Trust me on this. I actually have a little handout, a checklist on things that you can do to help not fall in love with people. There's a whole way to delay imprinting and the chemical tripwire of, "You're dreamy." You can learn what your triggers are. It's almost like falling in love could be considered asthma and how to avoid an asthma attack. Cathy: It can be addictive. Reid: Yeah and which some people think that is not romantic at all. That is absolutely the opposite of falling in love but at the same time, if you actually have a conversation with people about have you ever fallen in love with somebody who is a horrible fit for you - Cathy: Been there, done that. Reid: - and if you could do it differently, would you? So in my geekiness and my own kind of exploration of like how to not fall in love but still be connected and feel intimate and be nice to people, especially if you're being sexual with them, how do you leave the campsite better than you found it when, if you unintentionally fell in love with each other it would complicate things? Cathy: Can you tell us one thing from your sheet? Reid: Yeah. I would say the biggest bit of advice, as somebody who's coached a lot of different people on "casual sex" and just dating and friends with benefits, the challenge is, because no one talks about this, how do you - Because most people are taking their casual sex too casually and then they just kind of stumble into falling in love, the easiest piece of advice is if you're going to sleep with somebody you sleep with them once a month and you don't… this is the second piece of advice so this is a bonus. Don't sleep over. No sleepovers. See them once a month. That will help most people not fall in love. Cathy: One thing I did with my sisters when they were dating is I would invite them after they come home from a date and they'd be like, "Oh, it was so dreamy," it wasn't that they shouldn't fall - Reid: Tie them to a chair and smack them around? Cathy: Yeah, exactly. How did you know? It wasn't about them not falling in love but it was about them making conscious decisions and not getting swept away. I would ask them to tell me three things they didn't like about that person, three things they noticed. One of my early mentors gave me really good advice, I thought. He gave it as a marriage focus. He said before you marry someone you look for every reason you shouldn't be married to them and after you're married to them you look for every reason you should be married with them. It was really sweet. Reid: That's good. Cathy: I would ask them. They'd come home from a date, it's like, "Oh, he was so dreamy." I'd be like, great, and I'd let them go on for a little while. Then I'm like, "Okay, now tell me three things you didn't like about them," because there's always - Reid: Sober them up a little bit. Cathy: Yeah. There's always a couple things we don't adore about somebody and just letting them keep their feet on the ground I think helped make - They made more conscious choices. Reid: Understand that two things are happening for a lot of people out there. One, they're socially starved, so when they go on a date or when they have a casual hookup or even a not casual hookup, they're basically "food shopping" while starving. There's research for this. People who are hungry make worse food choices when they go into a grocery store. Cathy: The stale bread looks really good.
Views: 7528 ReidAboutSex
Vaginal Shame And What You Can Do
Dealing with Vaginal Shame, or care about someone who is? A frank discussion about sexual shame and how to reconnect with your vagina and how to help others feel more self-love. Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech. Cathy: Hi I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: We're talking about vaginal shame. Reid: In this video, I will not make fun of and be a jackass. Cathy: That's nice of you. Reid: Because culture has totally screwed it up for people. Now there are things like vaginal plastic surgery. Cathy: Yeah. It's getting more and more popular. Reid: Vaginoplasty. Cathy: Yeah. It's getting more and more popular. Reid: While I am very pro body modification, for people who like expressing themselves like that. I have no problems with tattoos, piercings ... Cathy: But to change something that's natural, to try to fit a conventional norm that isn't really a norm. Reid:  I'm going to draw the line for myself, personally and I've had conversations with other sex educators about this. I would like to draw the line at any type of elective surgery where you are removing parts of you that are filled with pleasure feeling nerves, I'm going to say it's a bad idea. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: We're all unique snowflakes, I think every vulva and every vagina is beautiful, vulva technically. The outside vagina, inside ... Anything that you're packing is probably awesome to me because you're letting me touch it, or lick it, or stick things in it. I am so happy that you're even giving me the time of day, let alone letting me touch your genitalia. I want you to have as much feel good stuff down there as you can so that I can create more sensation for you. Cathy: A lot of women, for myself I have an abuse history and I have a huge amount of shame. I was afraid I'd smell bad, or wasn't formed well, or didn't look right. As a coach I've worked with a lot of people that have this too. Where they are totally afraid that they don't smell right or they're not okay. I noticed that if I'm with someone new, some of that old stuff will come up. If you're with someone cool, you can share with them that "Hey, I have some issues. Some old stuff in the past and I'm feeling insecure, can you tell me if you like what you're seeing" and get some reassurance. Reid: Yeah. Cathy:  "This feels really good, or I'm afraid I smell bad or don't taste good. Could you tell me what your experiencing." That can really calm, because if you're more present. If you're stuck in your head going, "Oh my God! Maybe he's suffering down there, or she's suffering down there." Reid: I've never suffered. Cathy: You're not really enjoying what they're doing. Reid: Yeah. Cathy: And it's sad, because it's really amazing. Reid: What's going on in your head is actually taking away from your ability to feel pleasure. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: Which, for me, as somebody who likes to be down there. I want to help you get out of your head, so that you can feel more pleasure so that I can feel like I'm rocking your world more because that makes me feel like a stud. Interesting thing there is, compliment people, be like "Oh my ... Any time somebody drops trou in front of you be like "Oh my God! That's awesome." Cathy:  Well, it kind of is. It's this amazing playground. When we get out of the cultural ... I just think women in general are taught to be ashamed of their vaginas. That they're just like, "It's dirty, don't touch." You need to use Vagisil, or cover up the smell. There's a lot of stuff going on there, and we do have shame often in that area of our body. Then when someone goes to touch us, for me I know, I was like "Am I doing this personal disservice, am I bringing them something that's less than beautiful?" That got in the way of the connection. Once I started letting that go, or just voicing it so we both knew it was out there. It kind of got out of my head and I started to be more and more present. Reid: That goes for the penis-owners out there in the audience as well. That goes for you too. Tell people like "I'm self-conscious about my penis-size." Which can go both ways. I know people who are like humongous and that fucks with their heads too. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: Again, tell people what you're insecure about. If they use it against you, do not date these people-they need therapy. Be vulnerable because you're role modeling that they can open up for you too about what's going on for them. That stuff, while edgy, will usually lead to better sex regardless of what you're actually packing. For me, as a sex geek and as a slut, somebody who sleeps with a lot of people, I just love bodies like, "Oh my God! They're so different, they're so interesting, they're so amazing. How can I make you feel better?"
Views: 10325 ReidAboutSex
Reid's Safer Sex Elevator Speech
Ever wonder how to have "The Talk" with your date? Discussing safer sex issues and concerns can bring a lot of ease to a new or an established connection, and sets the groundwork for talking about challenging things. Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech. Reid's write up on the Safer Sex Elevator Speech is here: http://reidaboutsex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/ Cathy: Have you ever wondered how to talk to someone about safer sex, STDs, or whether it's comfortable to go to bed with them? Reid: When it's time for the talk, do you choke and not for good reasons? Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: And Reid has a great safer sex elevator speech that makes it really easy and actually kind of fun to talk to someone about it. Reid: A lot of people don't know how to do the safer sex elevator speech because no one's really taught them. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: And they don't have a way that works for them to have that conversation. So you end up making it anew all the time or not being really sure what it is you're supposed to be saying and so what we end up doing is we end up waiting for the other person to start the conversation so it will become easier. So my basic approach to this is when you start wondering if it's time to have the safer sex conversation, or you're waiting for the other person to initiate it, that's your signal. It's time to have the conversation. What I would recommend is using like a little template, which I like to call my safer sex elevator speech as a means of like you know how to do this so when you have the confidence of knowing what to say, it's easier to start the conversation. Cathy: I've actually blamed it on Reid before. I've said hey, this guy I know has this talk that you can do. Because when I first did it I was really awkward and shy and I said can we go through this together and the guy was, oh, sure, like wasn't -- you know, like... But it was because we're trying something out, it took some of the pressure off. Reid: And how did it go? Cathy: It was great. Reid: What did you get out of it or both of you? Cathy: Well part of it was just both of us felt reassured that we had both been tested and that we didn't have to -- we knew what the status was. But also part of it is that you share something you like and that opened up a really fun dialogue and it modeled us talking about how we both felt in and out of bed. Reid: So for those of you who want to jump and see the formula, it's on my website, http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and you can just type in safer sex elevator speech or elevator speech in the search bar and it will bring you right to the post. Cathy: I'll put the link below too. Reid: Great. But the basic formula is you share when you were last tested and what was your status. You share whatever your relationship, you know, current relationship status is, any relationship agreements you have, or if it's for you to share like I'm straight or I'm queer or I'm gay, you know, you can drop in like other orientation identifiers there. Then you're going to go through what your safer sex protocols are. What are your needs, briefly what are your needs for when you're going to have sex if you were to have sex. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: What's on the table, what's not, and what do you have to be doing for that to feel safe emotionally or physically, condoms, no condoms whatever those things are. Cathy: Yeah. And it's not saying if you have this conversation doesn't mean you're going to have sex. It just means that you've cleared the deck so that if you decide to it's really easy. Reid: Yeah. And then after you share what your safer sex protocols are, what I recommend is you share any kind of sexual information that needs to be updated like since you were last tested, maybe you had a condom failure or maybe you got a vasectomy and now I don't have sperm. Well technically you do but that's a long story, another video. Then once you share any current sexual needs or things that you need to share then you share something that you like sexually and something that you don't like sexually. By sexual, I mean it can be cuddling and making out. It doesn't have to be like boning. So you get to share something that you like and what you don't like and then the very end of it and this is why it's so useful is you ask the other person how about you.
Views: 4783 ReidAboutSex
My Partner Isn't Interested In Sex Anymore
When your partner loses interest in sex, it can be frustrating and heart wrenching. Here are some tips to clearing the air and opening up discussions to allow more connection and more physical intimacy. Join Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com about creating more intimacy in your life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNlAOuRv8dE Cathy:  Hi, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com, and we're here with http://ReidAboutSex.com 's Reid Mihalko. Reid:  Yes. My name is Reid. My name is not ReidAboutSex. Cathy:  (laughing) You could change it. Reid:  I could. I could change it. ReidAboutSex.com... that would be nice. Cathy:  So we had someone ask us, they have a relationship. They've been together for 30 years. They really love the person they're with, and the wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. So he's feeling very powerless. He's not getting his needs met. There's less intimacy in their relationship. What would you suggest? Reid:  Well, for the purposes of this video, let's not make it about husbands and wives, and wives losing interest. I know a lot of men out there who lose interest too, or whose partners don't feel as appreciated or as exciting to their partners and spouses as they used to. So, with that idea in mind, the advice I give people when I'm coaching them is, expand what you consider to be sex or sensuality, like just erotic connection or a physical affection. The biggest challenge that we have, certainly in American culture and in other cultures as well, is the idea that there are only certain types of sex. Cathy:  Yes. Bill Clinton said it wasn't sex. Reid:  Well...don't get me started. (laughing) So "penis and vagina" is sex, "oral stimulation" is sex... Because if you only have four crayons, you don't have a lot to choose from. If you expand the number of crayons you have in your sexual crayon box, then there are a lot more things that you guys can explore, play with, appreciate, engage in, that will leave you feeling nourished and connected. And often, we'll set the snowball rolling that turns into this snowman of love. (laughing) You know, it's the little things like taking a shower together or bathing together or... Cathy:  Holding hands during a movie. Reid:  Holding hands during a movie. You know, holding each other on the couch and reading a book to each other - little, silly things like that can increase the amount of endearment that you're feeling toward each other. Cathy:  Mmm hmm. Reid:  And, at the same time, those things can often lead to more. When was the last time, if you have a partner - if you're single, this might be a different answer - when was the last time you and your partner made out for twenty minutes on the couch? When I was fourteen, I lived for that! Make out in your car! When it's parked, not when it's driving. (laughing) When was the last time you guys did that, or give each other a foot rub or, you know, be silly and put on mud masks together and just hang out and watch silly TV? Those kinds of things that take you out of your normal routine - let's say that you guys love watching silly television together, but there's a rut and a familiarity that you can kind of dust off and make new by including this other thing. Cathy:  That shifts the pattern. Because I know, when I've been in relationships where the other person had a goal, like "I have to get to sex to feel complete, to feel good." there was pressure, and it was really hard for me to be as present. It wasn't as engaging. I felt more disconnected. We weren't in the moment, more enjoying the touch... Reid:  You were on some sort of timeline. Cathy:  Right, and you're going toward this goal in the future, which, when it was done, it was kind of like, there wasn't that connection. There wasn't that "Oh my God, that was amazing." Reid:  I'm at a loss for who shared this idea with me, but the idea of men and women - it really doesn't matter about the gender, but certain people are very... I'm going to ruin this. Basically, the idea to have sex enters their mind, and then they're like, "Let's have sex!" Whereas other people, in doing other things that aren't sexual, they kind of get revved up and arrive at a place where they're like "Oooh!" Now the door opens and sex is a possibility, whereas for some people, they walk in through the door and like, "It's sex time!" Understand that you and your partner might be different, and have conversations about ways where you guys can match up. And often, you know, doing... Increasing your crayon box of options and exploring those... Cathy: "The Five Love Languages" is a great book. If your way of receiving love is physical touch, it might be, "let's just go have sex." If your way of receiving love is an act of service, your partner taking the trash out can get you revved up to where you could...
Views: 3088 ReidAboutSex
Learn Love Languages and Create More Intimacy
Understanding your partner's, co-workers', friends and families love languages can make a powerful difference in how loved and connected they feel. Understanding your own love language can change how loved and welcomed you feel in your relationships. Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com share Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages and share how learning these can change your relationships for the better! http://youtu.be/Zp8DCq59ly8 Cathy: Knowing love languages can make a huge difference in your relationship. Would you like to learn more? Reid: Yeah. Let's do it. Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: Reid actually recommended this book to us and... Reid: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Cathy: Yes. It's a great book. Really impactful. He's very religious so if you're not religious, read it anyway. It's worth the information. Reid: Yeah, and if you're super spiritual and love the word "God" in your books, then you'll be thrilled. Cathy: Understanding the love languages is powerful because I was brought up to think that there really... I didn't know anything about love languages. You kind of got what you got and you hope that made you feel good. Understanding that different people speak different languages can help you translate and actually help you ask for what you need to get back. Reid: Have you been wondering why some people make you feel so cared for and other people whom you know love you a lot, just leave you kind of feeling bereft. It might be because they're speaking different languages or a different dialect of showing how they care and you receiving, which is the whole basis for the book. The five love languages are broken down into five different categories. Cathy: My favorite one is touch. It's something that's really important to me so if someone I like touches me, it makes me feel very accepted and loved. That... Reid: See, look at that look of acceptance and love on her face. Mine's words of affirmation. Tell me how good that made you feel. Cathy: It was amazing, Reid, thank you. Reid: I feel loved. Words of acknowledgement, words of affirmation. Cathy: Some people really love quality time, so if quality time is your thing, you really want to spend one on one time usually with your partner and that can be in different ways. Some people may be sitting together watching TV, other people may want to just be really spending... Reid:  There's always a good... a good clue is to turn off your cell phones and your laptops and actually spend focused time with the people whom you think quality time might be working for. Another love language is acts of service. Some people show that they care by doing things for others and then the last one is gifts. Cathy: Gifts, yes. So some people feel really loved getting a gift or... it could be a flower, it could be a pretty stone they found when they were out walking or it might be a diamond bracelet. Different people receive it different ways. The really cool thing is you get to translate, you get to find out what your partner's love language or kids' love language, finding out what my boss' love language was was amazing. Reid: Was it touch? Cathy:  No, it was not. Because that would look really weird in the workplace. Reid: I don't know. You never know. Cathy: He loves to be affirmed. He loves to be told he's done...he's helped us and he's an amazing boss so being able to communicate that way to him in a way that really lands with him made a huge difference. It makes me feel like I'm able to share with him how much he does for us and I can tell that it lands and it makes him feel valued, so it's really good. Reid: So one thing to know about love languages is that people show that they care in these five basic languages and they also feel cared for in these five basic categories. But the categories are not always the same. Most people, by default, kind of lead with one or two languages always. Like when I'm trying to show that I care to somebody, it's usually acts of service and then it's either touch or words of affirmation. Like for me, quality time like, if we're just hanging out, texting on our phones, as long as I'm near you, I'm kind of like a dog. Like, as long as I'm near my master, I feel fine. But that's not always quality time for somebody else. www.5lovelanguages.com.
Views: 1764 ReidAboutSex
Polyamory And Being Honesty-Oriented ...
Cathy: Someone wrote in with a question said. I don't know if you can answer this or not, but how do I find Poly people that know how to be transparent and honor and an honest. I've been wondering? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/ Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ Cathy: It’s a great question. Reid: Yeah, It is a. it's not just Poly, its like how do you find people who are transparent and honest to begin with? And now we go down the rabbit hole level what do you mean by transparent? And honesty and, if I got if you ask me a question you surprised me. and I got scared and I lied to you but then I cleaned it up. Is that is that like honesty still? Is that okay? What kind of lies constitute lies or dishonesty versus “oh yeah that's a human thing and you cleaned it up so I can trust you more. So that means you're more honest?” or is the honest person only the person who is never told a lie. Maybe you could actually start these conversations with people. As a means of getting to know them, to see, to assess. Are they the people you seek? Cathy: I like role modeling too, just I try to be authentic as much as I can. And the other day we were at a conference and in at the moment I kind of panicked and I didn't tell you what I really thought. And then Reid: Are you? Cathy: I did. so as soon as that session ended, I asked you if you had a minute and I cleaned it up. Reid: There's no transparent or honest. Cathy: Yeah, but I didn't feel like it was important enough to like no let's leave the Session. So like I like to role model it with my friends. and I know some of them are like a little taken aback. We’re like “no I really don't want to go to that restaurant I want to be like or I don't like it when you do this” or just start being more open with people and requesting different things. at first there was an awkwardness. But I think that the friends that I remain closed with started going “oh this is kind of cool” like I you can trust Cathy to say what she wants. and my closest friends or people that will tell me even if they know will be disappointed. And I know that if I ask them something, if I asked my friend Rick and say “Hey do you want to do this?” He's going to tell me the truth. Like his not going to do it because, you don't have to worry about him just suffering through. And I do have friends around like “I'm not really sure they're here because they want to be here”. And that's not really comfortable so role modeling in this big thing. Reid: Yeah, um I don't know the immediate answer to where you find them. You have to do the legwork to find them. it's not like it's not like there's a transparent and honesty you know bubble somewhere in in the world, where that's where all of the people end up being. Cathy: No, but there's certain programs radical honesty, landmark, there's some things that kind of emphasize more, being more authentic about. So looking for authentic relating games places that teach boundaries and consent. Reid: People who are drawn to deconstructing and working on real and healthy relationships that require transparent honesty. How you forgive people and rebuild trust once it's broken? Like basically relationship nerds. And the people in the poly world who you know, there's many people doing poly horribly wrong. As there are people who are doing monogamy horribly wrong. Cathy: It just with poly gets more complicated fastest. Reid: You have more people to be accountable to. So maybe we exposed the traitor faster. But at the same time like we have all been raised in cultures that encourage lying or not hurting people's feelings. And so we fib or we have shame so we don't own up to stuff. Or we weren't really even taught to understand what it is we want. So, again like this is complex because you're dealing with relationships and human beings. The answer seems to be like, one how can you how can you develop the skill so your role modeling. And then two how do you have these conversations with people so that you can start to assess who people are. And then do they show up for the most part being who they say they are. Cathy: And one of the easiest ways I've actually like, it's not simple but its easiest way I found is to create people like that. And I don't mean build them in a workshop. Reid: Babies? Have babies. Cathy: No, I don't advocate that much you really want to have one. Reid: That’s not a brainer. Cathy: No, I like to borrow them and teach them bad things and give them back. Reid: Oh, you said that now on YouTube. Cathy: For short periods of time but I teach some bad words and give them sugar, so you probably don't want to give them to me. Reid: She's being transparent now. Cathy: Yes Yes No, but like I don't mean in an arrogant way. But like when I was in Dallas there wasn’t a big community of anything like there's a big Poly community but, it was a mixture of things....
Views: 2593 ReidAboutSex
Where Is The Line Between Swinging And Polyamory?
Cathy: Someone wrote it and said, “I've been listening to some of your fabulous podcast, they had polyamory and it has sent me thinking about what my personal situation is and where does swinging become polyamory? I expected it that it would be whenever there was an emotional connection. However, I could argue there's connection in every encounter. I have some partners that got very close over the years and my partner definitely knows about it. Do I say I'm non monogamous; I'm swinger; I’m poly? How do I define myself?” I am here with the fabulous podcaster himself, Reid Mihalko Reid: I played on the podcast? Cathy: You were on a podcast, you do podcast Reid: Oh yes, yes I'm a fabulous podcast guest Cathy: You do pod…you do Reid: Podcast guest Reid Mihalko here from http://reidaboutsex.com/ and I'm sitting next to Cathy Vartuli of http://theintimacydojo.com/ Cathy: Yes, so I think it's a great question. I think it's kind of a gray area like swinger to me is “I don't really know your name, maybe your first name let's have sex?” Reid: To you? Cathy: That's me Reid: Yeah Cathy: I said to me Reid: Yeah, I'm just reinforcing that Cathy: Okay you may kind… Reid: ‘coz they think you’re in a position of authority and that they might think that what you're saying is…is the gospel for everything, the gospel of Cathy Vartuli Cathy: Yes Reid: that you speak for all of your people Cathy: but I said it was a gray area Reid: Okay Cathy: Polyamory to me means that I have a heart connection with someone, there's a little more love and I think even that has shades. I have people that I consider playmates where were we can definitely talk about deeper things but I don't have to help them move and I don't have to care if they're you know to like dive in and save anything and I have lovers which is a little more invested and then if you're in a romantic partnership then maybe you're supposed to show up and out the move. Reid: We know Cathy's feelings about helping people move Cathy: I’m offering like hiring Reid: which is hiring somebody, yeah Cathy: too many to try Reid: you just hire somebody, some dudes comes up with a van and he has t-shirt says my name is Cathy. Cathy: [Laughing] Reid: So Cathy, come on. Cathy: I've moved a lot of times, moved 12 times by the time I graduated high school I'm kind of over it but anyway, how do you Reid: I'm so trying to figure out how to weave moving into some brilliant analogy of poly and swinging. Polyamory is when you help the same person move several times, swinging is when you help them move once. Done. Hit subscribe. Boom! That's kind of…that works. Cathy: Yeah Reid: That kind of works. Cathy: I think well if you're using move as sexual versus an emotional investment it would be back and forth for the anyone who's listening to the to the audio, he's rocking back and forth Reid: U-huh Cathy: I never…I suggested many. For me, I think like again for my personal definition I think it's depth of caring, polyamory means many loves I guess doing [Inaudible 00:02:51] and Reid: You guess? You don't know this? How many videos have you shot about….talking about polyamory? [Inaudible 00:02:59] Cathy: Yes apparently but to me a lot of people get to define themselves like I defined myself as queer which asked me more like I don't define myself by heteronormative rules so I think we get to choose the…the nomenclature that works for us that kind of fits according to you know what other people, what languages Reid: Yeah Cathy: to help other people understand. Reid: So, I'll…I’ll just pick another analogy for those of you who’ve been watching lots of videos of ours that I'm in the analogy dork so if I'm remembering my terms correctly, an estuary is where saltwater and freshwater meet so when does it become ocean and when does it become river? Like that's really the question around this, right? Like so there might be a science and way of measuring it well when it's you know eighteen percent something then it…it is not it is no longer ocean but it is river or whatever the…the ways of defining it but those definitions have to be agreed on Cathy: Yeah Reid: by that community and ultimately for me it's you know how much what am I trying to do with the freakin’ river or the ocean, right? Is the ocean happy? Is the river happy? You know do I like to just hang out in the estuaries? Am I am I a freshwater shark? Who knows? What this all means to build on what you've already said is well what do you need it to be, are you just nerding out, are you Cathy: Are you Reid: trying to communicate and manage expectations to figure out what's a good fit for you…you know when…when does blue become light blue? Cathy: Yeah Reid: like, like now we're just having a nerdy conversation. I always
Views: 1209 ReidAboutSex
Safer Sex Elevator Speech with Example
Ever wonder how to have "The Talk" with your date? Discussing safer sex issues and concerns can bring a lot of ease to a new or an established connection, and sets the groundwork for talking about challenging things. Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech. Reid's write up on the Safer Sex Elevator Speech is here: http://reidaboutsex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/ Cathy: Have you ever wondered how to talk to someone about safer sex issues, STDs, what you like in bed? Reid: Have you freaked out when it was time for the talk because you didn't know what exactly was supposed to be in the talk or if it was a good time to have it? Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: And he has an amazing elevator speech for safer sex that works really well and it's actually kind of fun. It's been fun to do. Reid: So basically, the idea is a lot of people stumble on the safer sex conversation or don't initiate it because they don't know what to say or how to get it all out and then what we end up doing is we end up waiting for the other person to make the move and initiate the conversation. Cathy: And sometimes it never comes. Like the longer you wait, the more awkward it is to talk about it. Reid: Yeah. Because most people don't know how to have the conversation so no one initiates it and then like you're in the middle of the sex and then you're like I should really be talking to this person about safer sex and it just gets worse and worse and worse. So here's a quick formula that you can go to http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and search for elevator speech or safer sex elevator speech and it will pop up. But this formula is really useful, it's really short. You can probably with a little bit of practice get it down to like two to three minutes like your elevator pitch. But the most important thing aside from initiating the conversation is it's a huge tool for assessing where the other person is in their world, like how well they can speak about their likes and dislikes around sex, what their status is. So it gives you tons of information. So I just recommend that whenever you're wondering when is it time to have the conversation, that's your sign, that's your signal to initiate the conversation. Basically, what I do is I say would you like to hear my safer sex elevator speech? Cathy: Yes, please. Reid: Yes. Well so we have this. Some of you might find these lying around in some cool places of the world, but this is basically my safer sex elevator speech in a handy-dandy little door hanger and thank you Good Vibes, good vibrations for helping me print these out. So that's a shout-out to Good Vibes. But basically the elevator speech goes like this. You're going to share what your status is like when were you last tested, what were you tested for, and what were your stats. Then you're going to share whatever your relationship agreements are, what your relationship status is and then throw in any information that you think is important for the other person to know. You know, I'm straight, I'm gay, I use male pronouns, like whatever things you need to like drop in so somebody actually gets to know you a little bit better. Then what you're going to share is whatever your safer sex protocols are. So we need condoms for this, we need dental dams for that, we need gloves for this, I need you to bark like a dog whatever those things are. Cathy: [Laughs] Reid: Then you're going to share and it sounds like a lot but actually once you get the hang of this it's quite simple. Then you're going to share any new news around sex stuff that you need to let somebody know. Like oh, last week, I had a condom mishap and it fell off and so I haven't been tested since when I told you and so this is new information. So basically any risky sexual things that have happened, you want to update people on. Then you end with here's something that I like sexually or sensually, here's something that I don't like. Cathy: Yes. Reid: Sexually or sensually and that could be stuff that you're actually up for maybe playing with them or just things in general. Cathy: And just so you know just because you have this talk doesn't mean you're ready to jump into bed. You can even specify this.
Views: 7514 ReidAboutSex
Leadership and Self-care: Facebook Live With Reid And Cathy
Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/. Cathy: And Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ Reid: And we've got sand castle things going on right behind us. We are in Monterey doing a work weekend recuperating from camp and this is uh this is a little Sex Ed business video because Cathy has been, been talking about leadership and self-care. So as you sign on let us know where you are today we're at the beach look at the beach. Cathy: For another hour. Reid: For another hour and then we have to go back to civilization. And you had some thoughts on leadership and self-care. Cathy: Well, we we’re talking about how… I was talking about some cleanup issues in the community and I was talking about whose job it was to step forward of the parties involved to clean it up and you had a good I mean, your thought was leader doesn't worry so much about whose responsibilities didn't step forward they… if they're involved they step forward and try to help clean things up which I think is a really good that’s really good advice. And I shared it was someone else who said “Yeah, and I’m tired of always being the one that always steps forward.” and yeah self-care has to take part of that too. If you're always if you're always the one who has to step forward that can be really tiring after a while. It's a lot of effort a lot of hold space holding. And we don't always have to do that like just still be a leader does we always have to step forward and cleanup the messes we do get to take care of ourselves because if we don't the, first rule of rescue is don't add to the body count. So I think that finding that balance between okay I’m on this. I have the bandwidth to step forward right now and help clean this up initiate this conversation versus wow I'm really exhausted and I don't have this better with the hold space for people right now. It’s, it's okay to say no and still be a leader it's okay to actually role model as a leader that you get to take care of yourself either delay having the conversation or not be the one who initiates the conversation at all. Reid: I think I would add to it where this is tricky is like my advice is coming from a really privileged place of one being an extrovert, two being a dude, three being a white dude and then for you know having a business that's it's somewhat successful or where I'm somewhat well-known. So it can be easy for me because I'll usually have the resources and air courts around easy it doesn't mean it's comfortable. It doesn't mean that I'm rolling my eyes being like god damn it like… Cathy: Not again. Reid: why do I have to go in and clean up the spilt milk but at the same time it's you know if the situation is gonna get better and no one else is taking action for me personally it's like well I might as well do it which works really well for my martyr complex by the way and my white Savior syndrome but it's more of a like you know if I'm gonna make sure I have the resources to step in and at least acknowledge that there's a problem and acknowledge that something needs to happen, then then at least I can feel like I tried and then if I need to wash my hands of it which for me is usually after three attempts. Then I feel like I did a thorough job and then I can be like well you know I tried and here’s the proof that I tried and you know comeback to me when you're ready to have a conversation. Now that's, that's all coming you know right now just kind of extemporaneously having this conversation. And self-care is going to be imminent because if you keep crossing your own boundaries then not only are you gonna be just inconvenienced that no one else is cleaning up the mess but you'll start to get passive-aggressive about it. And then if you're constantly trying to clean up a mess that nobody else wants to take responsibility for like you're doing it like 8,9, 10 times you’re showing up I'm gonna tell you, you should like set your number at 3 and then just be done with it. And then figure out a way to be complete about things that are incomplete. Cathy: Yeah. But I do think that it's a good concept because I, someone hurt my feelings or your batteries it's so perpetual. You need a better battery. Reid: No, don't. Phone shame me for my battery? My battery can cut out whenever it want? Its self-care my phone wants to shut off! Cathy: My feelings are hurt by somebody and I was talking about that that's when the whole conversation came up because I was like waiting for them to kind of make amends and Reid was like if there's a bad feeling in the community and you're directly involved then you know someone who can step forward to takes care of it, it’s gonna lead the community stronger rather than having this little
Views: 2154 ReidAboutSex
How NOT Homophobic Am I? - Reid Mihalko at Bawdy Storytelling's "Surprise!"
America's favorite sex geek, Reid Mihalko of http://ReidAboutSex.com, jumps out of a birthday cake and strips, reveals his stripper name from back in his college days (hint: It's a famous comic book character), and shares the story of how he discovered just HOW not homophobic he is... Happy Birthday to Bawdy Storytelling creator, Dixie De La Tour! Dixie: ... when he’s in the show. Please give it up for Reid Mihalko. Reid: Oh, yeah. My legs are totally asleep because I was in that fucking cake forever. Help me up! I tied that tie myself. Sexy and sweaty because it's 100 degrees in that cake, bitch. Dixie: That is a really nice one. Reid: Thank you, DJ. I'm tempted to tell this story from my cake. Dixie: Can I just say that halfway through your introduction I became terrified you were wearing a Santa Suit and not cake? Reid: That would've been awesome! Can you taste Mrs. Claus on my dick? You can probably tell from my professional moves that that was not the first time I've ever taken off my clothes in front of an audience. This is what will be the beginning of my story. Hi everyone! Everyone take a deep breath, and you go, "Oh." All right, so applaud if you have ever seen Salt-N-Peppa's "None of Your Business," video. Applaud if you are a fan of the cowboy who appears in the red thong and chaps at the end of that video. Applaud if you knew that was me. Now imagine, many years ago, all of this being up here and here. Not everybody knows this, but now the world will know this, I paid for some of college stripping. First night I ever stripped, I made $11. All of my friends let me know that that was a good business move, but it would eventually, stripping for men and women, would eventually be what ended up getting me the job when I auditioned for Salt-N-Peppa's "None of Your Business" video. That made my niece the queen of seventh grade and eighth grade because it was a big deal video and her uncle was in a Salt-N-Peppa video. It was great. Remember, all of this was where? Up here. Exactly. Imagine back then, me with my Arnold Schwarzenegger buzz cut and my Home Alone glasses; it was very kind of Harry Potter before its time. I'm dancing and I'm like, "I'm starting to get ready to ... I've never danced before and I need a name!" Some of you know that I'm a comic book geek. So I'm like, "Man, I'm going to strip," and back then I rode a motorcycle and I was like, "What am I going to ... Well, I've got chaps. I can just wear chaps for stripping because that's a thing that strippers wear. I already own them! I don't have to spend money for it." I had to go thong shopping and things like that, which is kind of weird, back then because I hadn't turned into the Sex Geek yet. I was just like, all of this up here, being like, "Um, where are your thongs?" This is back in Rhode Island, where I went to college, so it was kind of like, "Oh, you want the thongs." I'm like, "Yes, please." I'm like, "What's going to be my name? What's going to be my name?" I'm such a comic book geek, I'm like, "Who rides a motorcycle?" Audience: Captain America. Reid: But I didn't pick that. Steve Rogers was not it. Punisher, no. I would be the Ghost Rider. My stripper name was Johnny Blaze. All this, up here, and chaps, and I would drive to the shows. You made more money back then, maybe still now, stripping for gay audiences. This was a long time ago, before I turned into this. I'd be like, "I hope I make more than $11." Then I started stripping for gay audiences and I was dancing, I'm like, "Wow!" I hadn't been exposed to gay culture. I grew up in New Hampshire and didn't know anybody who was gay at the time. I'm like, "Wow, that person's gay and that per ... Don't touch my cock. That person's gay ..." I'm like, "Get your hand out of my ass. That person's gay ... That'll cost you $20. That person ... Wow, this is amazing" I just didn't know and I'm such a geek, I was like, "This is really cool." Then Johnny Blaze got kind of, semi-famous in Massachusetts and Connecticut and Rhode Island, so I was like, "I'm making more than $11. School is really expensive. I'm Johnny Blaze."
Views: 12613 ReidAboutSex
Polyamorous Coming Out Story - Reid Mihalko at Bawdy Storytelling
Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of http://ReidAboutSex.com shares how he got engaged/disengaged, opened up his relationship, his first open relationship threesome while acting in Othello with Delroy Lindo, and coming out as queer and polyamorous to his parents at Thanksgiving at the world-famous Bawdy Storytelling (http://BawdyStorytelling.com) in Oakland, CA in 2011. Dixie: Ready for the finale? You may have seen him before because he’s famous and he loves us and he comes back regularly and has a story for pretty much any theme I could make up he’s like, “What’s the 17 stories that relates to that theme?” He actually gave me 6 for tonight and here to choose one of them hopefully is Reid Mihalko. Reid: Okay. Clap if you have ever tried to have a non-monogamous relationship. Clap if you have ever feel miserably or spectacularly. Clap if you’re monogamous and you don’t know why you’re here. Thank you. My name is Reid Mihalko, I’m a sex educator. I’m also a sex relationship geek. This is my story. First off, if we’re going to recognize polyamorous value of relationship choice, we have to recognize monogamy. That’s the last time I will say monogamy. Really like, for me, relationships are about self-expression. So it’s kind of being a jazz musician. If you’re raise in conservatory and told that the classical music is the zenith of musical self-expression, you might be a little bit upset or confused why your roommate who loves Bach, you don’t get off on Bach the same way. And so then all of the sudden, you want into a jazz club and you’re like, “Oh”, it all make sense. And then when you actually start getting into jazz, there’s like 58 million difficult versions of jazz and you to figure out what jazz is for you and that to me it’s kind of how I came into polyamory. So the way this started, this is my coming out story, by the way. So, I’m engaged. For those of you who know me, you might be like, “What the fuck?” So can you all say Reid is engaged? Everybody: Reid is engaged. Reid: Wonderful women. One of the best relationship of my life because we ended it awesomely, spectacularly and in the beginning of that relationship, she and I we’re talking about, “Listen, I think I want to be open and in open relationship.” We didn’t know what polyamorous was at that time and she’s like, “I can do that, I can see other people. That’s totally cool. Awesome”. She’s bringing me to see her mother who’s Dominican while her dad who’s Italian. She sees me for the first time, she’s like "Dios mio! Ranablanca!" [Inaudible 00:03:00] And Sandra, is like “Mom!” and I’m like, “White what?” I speak a little bit Spanish and that becomes my pet name in the family. And I love that name. Like it’s kind of fun and they fall in love with me, they get it. But eventually, I fall in love or in lust with somebody in my acting class back when I was and actor. We’re like super into each other but I’m still like this is my first, like I’m engaged and I told her that I want to be non-monogamous but, “Ah, what do I do?” So in rehearsals, with my friend from acting class, and the tension is thick, it’s super, super thick and I’m like trying to be like Mr. Integrity and we’re like, we’re doing a scene that we’re supposed to kiss and it’s like we’re alone in her apartment and I just want to jump her bones and she wants to jump mine and so basically we’re just about to like, it all to come tumbling apart I went into the bathroom and I locked the door and she’s like, “(knocking) Are you there?” I’m like, “Duh, I’m in here. You saw me run in here”. She’s like, “Are you okay?” and I’m like, “I’m really turned on right now and I’m engaged” and she’s like, “Yeah, yeah” and she already me my fiancé and she’s like, “What do you want to do?” and I’m kind of, this is like the romantic movie work, her hands on the other side of the door and I was like this, and I’m like, “Put your back against the door” and she kind of put her back and I can feel it like move forward and so I put my back against the door and I’m like, “Put your hand on your pants” and I feel the door kind of push a little bit and so she and I start masturbating and I’m feeling horrible about this but it’s a fucking high [inaudible 00:05:10] that I’ve ever done. Because technically, I’m not cheating. I have thumbs solution, good relationship geek, and this door is like just enough [inaudible 00:05:29] that we’re like basically fucking each other through the door. Go, “Aaaaah! Aaaaaah!” all over her bathroom, which I apologized to her later.
Views: 4270 ReidAboutSex
Can You Swallow When A Woman Squirts?
People often discuss swallowing when discussing a man (or penis owner) comes, can someone swallow when a woman (or vagina owner) comes? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Can someone swallow when a woman squirts? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: And a lot of people talk about a person’s following on a man cums or a penis owner cums that can someone swallow if a female or vagina owner.. Reid: Ejaculates? You can, you can choose not to but there’s a choice there. Cathy: What is your opinion? Reid: I think you should do what you enjoy. Sometimes that means exploring things and then realizing wow I didn’t like that but as somebody who had the pleasure of playing with a lot of different kinds of body types of different people – some who squirt, I think it’s fun and exciting for me. Not you’re allowed to like what you like and not like what you don’t like. Female ejaculate or vulva or vagina ejaculates because gender is up for grabs and how you identify, it can taste very different from person to person. Cathy: Just like in men? Reid: Yeah. It can taste different from situation like time to time. Cathy: What you eat. Reid: Yes but what is like on Monday may not be what is like on Thursday. There are times that is very hot and exciting for me to do it, there are times it takes me by surprise and I didn’t get there in time and there are times that I’m just not in the mood. Ultimately, I’m just sharing so that you can figure it out for yourself and my big advice is don’t make squirting the goal. Cathy: There’s nothing wrong if you’re not. Reid: If you can’t squirt there’s nothing wrong with you and if you squirt all the time, there’s nothing wrong with you. If you like it and you don’t like it, it’s an opportunity to explore things and figure out what it is that you do like. Cathy: We’d love to know what you think. Please leave comments below.
Views: 7204 ReidAboutSex
Dealing With Over Jealousy Towards Other Woman
Cathy: A woman wrote it and said, how do you deal with being overly jealous towards other woman? This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ Cathy: It’s a right question. Thank you so much for writing in. I think often we try to hide our jealousy because we're taught that good people aren’t jealous or there's something wrong or people aren't caring about us if they make us feel jealous but jealousy is a very complex topic and that… well you have a great program called the 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy that breaks it down and makes it much more understandable and manageable. Reid: Yeah. And by complex you know what Cathy means is a lot of moving parts but the but the Cathy: And a lot of contributing factors Reid: yeah but the idea is kind of is…is simple in a certain way if because the way I like to think of it is treating jealousy like asthma, which a friend of mine Kamala Devi talked about where I kind of got that concept. If you know somebody who has asthma or if you have asthma, you're just taught to know what you’re triggers for an asthma attack are and then how to avoid them Cathy: Yes. Reid: and then you can start to work on because you're not always having an asthma attack Cathy: Yeah Reid: How you inoculate yourself? Cathy: Yup Reid: So, those contributing factors and whatnot for me looking at jealousy from a need-based perspective and what do you need to not feel jealous or feel less jealous because if you're getting all your needs met there's a tendency for people not to feel jealous. Cathy: Yeah Reid: And then breaking down to the octopus with its eight arms, there's eight tentacles that point at what possibly you might need to feel resource then your tanks being full so that jealousy doesn't impact you in the same way. Cathy: Yeah. I think it's important to notice what your thoughts are around this. Like dig down a little deeper. I’m feeling… I’m noticing I’m feeling this jealousy towards other women, is it a thought pattern? I was brought up that other women could be a threat especially if they are pretty. They’re going to take things away from me or draw people's attention away from me. So I have that history pattern and so I'm more sensitive around that. If my tank is low and a really pretty person comes…a woman comes in and people's attention seem diverted, my jealousy is more likely to flare. You may have that or something different. What do you notice underneath that just surface feeling of jealousy? What are the thoughts the beliefs what…what can help you calm down? Reid: Yeah Cathy: If I have if that happens that a friend goes, “hey, I noticed you look intense. Is everything okay?” I feel seen again and I can calm my…my jealousy immediately comes down. First is if everyone is always paying attention to that other person, I’m like, “I hate her.” Reid: Other things you can do when you know that you're like that, using Cathy as an example who can you talk to reach out for support? You know “hey I need some reassurance or I need this or I need that” or even just saying “hey so-and-so walked into the room I'm feeling intense because their prettiness historically speaking is going to take something away from me.” So I'm having worries of loss, this or that like can you can you find somebody to talk to put into words the stuff that might be going on in your head Cathy: Yeah Reid: Because what goes on in your head will gain more power if you leave it up there. Cathy: It just spins around and multiplies Reid: You know my I…I for those you who’ve heard me talk about my evil hamsters on their hamster wheels of death Cathy: [Inaudible 00:03:29] Reid: As they're running they're growing stronger and hulking out and it gets louder and louder in my head and then I'm less effective me saying that I have my hamsters, telling people what I need, those things can go a long way to quieting the hamster effect and at least letting people know what's going on. And I think that that's…that's been useful. You can also check out my jealousy course Cathy: Yeah. Reid: So you can go to http://reidaboutsex.com/category/jealousy/ and that should send you to some articles and eventually the online course if you really want to dig down to those needs. This also works for those of you who have friends and family members and lovers who get jealous. You boning up on how to support them Cathy: Can help Reid: around jealousy Cathy: them calm down so much faster.
Views: 2527 ReidAboutSex
How Can I Transition From Casual Sex To A Relationship?
Cathy: So we were talking in some…a video where we just shot about how to initiate sex if you're out on a date or hanging out with someone that might be a friend like you're not sure and this person wrote in and said, “I know I have some casual sex protocol weak spots and I'm looking forward to the program that they just purchased from you. On the other hand, how do I initiate or negotiate entering into a relationship with someone? I feel that during the first couple of dates especially the first one or even the first one I can broach casual sex and set boundaries on things that will keep it pleasurable, balanced, and healthy. However, I feel like talking about having a relationship with someone isn't really a first rating fifth date topic because you don't know the person well enough to know whether a relationship with…with them would work but if someone something has moved for if we're in just casual sex area, how can I talk about transitioning from casual sex to a relationship?” And I'm sitting here with Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ Reid: And that's Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ if you haven't figured that out already. Hmmm, yeah cool. So I…the way do you have a…I have thoughts but do you…I’m interested in your thoughts. Cathy: Do you want me to start? You were interested in my thoughts? Reid: Yes. Cathy will now… Cathy Vartuli of The Intimacy Dojo will now share her thoughts. Cathy: Sometimes you can't stop me. So I think talking about it like just sitting down and saying “Hey, I'm noticing that I really enjoy our time together.” And I've had this conversation before it's like “Wow this feels kind of special like I’ve…” Reid: On a first date? Cathy: Not on a first date Reid: but it’s not with their scenario Cathy: They’re asking…you know they said that he didn’t or he or she said they didn't know if it was a first date conversation Reid: Oh Cathy: but they're asking about how to transition from casual sex arena to like you're having casual sex with someone and that's what you negotiated and now you're like “Huh, this feels really like I might want to take this further.” Reid: Got it. Cathy: So it is for me, I always find it very awkward and I feel shy like “I've already agreed on this. I shouldn't be having feelings, I shouldn't be interested anymore.” But talking to someone like Hey, I'm noticing that this feels kind of special like I'm really enjoying our time together without bring out that reaction to you like he’s Reid: I don’t know Cathy: looking now…you’re looking now all startled Reid: Is this whole video just you declaring your undying love for me, Cathy? Cathy: I was talking to them. Reid: Are you…how do I know that you're not the one who submitted this question? Cathy: Well it’s Reid: Dan, dan, dan! Cathy: it’s actually spelled much better than I would do. Reid: Oh! Oh! Cathy: Bad spelling, bad spelling Reid: Spell check before you send stuff to Cathy everyone Cathy: No, he said they spoke better that I do. Reid: Oh, oh okay, I take it back. Cathy: Yeah, no I’m a, I’m a, I’m a Reid: That’s true Cathy’s Cathy: really best. He corrects Reid: apostrophes – it’s and its Cathy: They’re random Reid: Bad Cathy: I feel like it's an equal distribution, they should be as distributed evenly throughout the sentence. Reid: Wow, okay so punctuation aside. Cathy: No, so like I’ve taught…I've had the conversation where I was having a casual sex relationship with someone and I was starting to feel Reid: feels Cathy: feels and I tend to be less direct than you. I was a Reid: that’s a [Inaudible 00:03:12] Cathy: Wow. Reid: Ouch Cathy: Wow. I’m just going to go over here quietly by myself like Reid: It’s okay, I’ll take over. No, come on. Come back, come back. I hope that…I hope you’re enjoying this. Cathy: [Laughing] I’m not. Reid: ‘coz we are. Okay, so I'm way direct in you but Cathy: Yes but I was like the like I would express like this felt really good like “I'm…it feels kind of special to me. I'm wondering how it felt for you?” Reid: And you would be saying it that way because you're testing whether or not Cathy: Well, I’m…I’m sharing Reid: they have feels Cathy: I’m sharing genuinely what I felt. I'm like kind of like broaching the topic but not like “Hey, I know we said casual sex but I think I have feels. Do you want to go further?” Like to me that feels very direct and uncomfortable. Reid: Okay Cathy: So I would rather like me I mean I think I mean clear enough maybe I'm not. I love feedback. Reid: What’s the difference between the way you did it and the way I did it as far as like Cathy: So how would you do it? Casual relationship, you’re
Views: 1521 ReidAboutSex
I'm Afraid I'm Losing My Partner
What can you do when it feels like someone is moving away from you and your relationship? Join Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share. Cathy: We had someone write to us and say that he's so in love with the woman he's with and he feels like he's losing her, and he wanted to know what to do. Do you have any suggestions? Reid: I do. I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: And here is our advice. You go first. Cathy: I go first? Reid: Yeah. Cathy: Part of it depends on why do you think you're losing her. Is this a common pattern for you? I can get very insecure in relationships if my life is stressful, I'm not getting enough sleep I'll start thinking, "Oh that person is going to leave me" So, is that a pattern for you? Is that an actual problem in your relationship that you need to talk about? If it's insecurity in general, getting a coach or a therapist or start doing some things that help you feel more secure and confident in yourself may help alleviate that. Reid: Yeah. My advice is really going to be if you guys aren't having the conversation about what you are insecure about or what you're afraid about, then it's quite possible most of what's going on the anxiousness is in your head. You may be reading everyone's mind correctly and it actually may be coming true but the only way to change course is to bring it up and start talking about it. And if in bringing it up, it forces everyone's hand and it becomes obvious that we're all transitioning and we have to dismantle the relationship that was probably going to happen anyway. Like the walking on egg shells philosophy, don't rock the boat and you'll get further along. Times have changed, so if you want to have a real relationship with capital R, you need to be able to share with your partner, like, "Honey, I'm afraid I'm losing you. I need some reassurance like can you tell me what's going on for you and can you reassure me." So, it's really about bringing up what is going on for you, what you're afraid of usually, right. Because when we're not afraid, we're usually sharing everything. It's when we're afraid that we climb up. What you're afraid of and what the need is underneath and in inviting the people to share back with you what's actually going on for them. By you opening up, you have the best shot at creating a safer space to encourage other people to come forward with anything that they're withholding. Cathy: When you share, if you can share really specific things from the recent past, that can help the person relate. So if you say, "That time three years ago when you said bla, bla, bla", It kind of seems like you're judging up a lot of history. I like it when someone comes to me and says, "Okay, 10 minutes ago when you said this, this is what I noticed I was feeling." And when you use I statements it lets the person feel less blamed and on the defensive. Reid: Yeah. So, be a better communicator about things but mostly bring up and practice and continue to bring up the things that are bothering you. For the most part, you may be having this whole insecure experience in your head and it's not real for the other person. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: So you're working yourself up and creating the distance when the other person is just going through a tough time at work or with family members and ... Cathy: You have PMS, or they're grumpy today because ... Reid: Yeah, whatever that is, very distant from you for reasons that have nothing to do about you and you're just taking it all personally and running a whole worst case scenario situation. Cathy: I really recommend you check out http://Relationship10x.com as well, it's Reid's course and he takes people through understanding what the purpose ... like what do you want to get out of a relationship, different exercises to really help you identify what can strengthen the connection you have. Reid: Thanks. Yeah, if you want to geek out on that stuff check our 10X out. Leave your comments, let us know what you think. This video brought to you by somebody else's comment. Bye.
Views: 11087 ReidAboutSex
When and How Do I Use The Safer Sex Elevator Speech?
Cathy: I'm curious about when to initiate the safer sex elevator speech. It sounds like it comes before kissing especially for including oral herpes in this discussion.But I don't usually talk about sex until I know someone's interested which I frequently find out by kissing them. I won't like the idea and want to incorporate it but not break the flow, where does it fit in? Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/ Reid: Give me your answer. I have my answer but I don't want to show you off. What’s what what's your advice? Cathy: Um, I typically will have it on a second or third date depending on how it's flowing. I might have had like a goodnight kiss but I usually have a kind of make out session with them. So, that's I usually that's when I have it. And I kind of listening to the fuzz my body is not just a day when I have sex with me it's do I won't have sex with them. My body going “Hey, I'm so glad you're here” So, I listen to that and you know sometimes we will run away and that's okay. and sometimes it does break the flow and it's still okay because I've had the conversation with people I wasn't sure I wasn't have sex with me a great discussion at very least. Reid: That’s yours today device. Here's my advice and this is my advice probably from now moving forward because I think it just occurred to me “Oh, just teach this way Reid” first imagine How would you feel if you've been making out with somebody and then they told you the next date when you want one you wanted to sleep together that they had oral herpes? Cathy: I wouldn't be happy about it. Reid: Why wouldn't you be happy about it as a standing for our listener? Cathy: Sure. Sure. Cathy: I would I feel like that should be disclosed and I get to take a choice I feel like my choice was take it away. Reid: So now. Shake up the excess sketch new drawing. You have oral herpes, you want to make out with somebody. But you're afraid you're hesitating whether or not you should tell them or not.Why are you hesitating? Cathy: I will I think there's a lot of the shame around it in general society and I don't know how well that person in general is going to take it they might freak out and go “Oh my god I never want to see you again” or so there's no fear being rejected. Reid: so the situation if I'm assessing it correctly is that people tend to not tell people at first. Hoping that when they do tell them, that they'll be okay with it. Cathy: Yeah the connection we did it up whereas I would actually be I feel disrespected if someone doesn't tell me beforehand. Reid: So, in the weird world of Reid Mihalko. Reid Mihalko being somebody who makes out with a lot of people. And it's been very fortunate to have sex with many many folk. And if you're watching and you've had sex with me, thank you so much thank you really. I saw also in Jackass about it. And the reason I'm not telling you to Bragg this is like I am impressing about you. How I do it? Is I tell everybody ahead of time before I make out with them. Because my offending them later, is worse than me not getting to make out with them. Now the argument is will read you make out with all these people so you're not starving for making out. Cathy: Yes, that’s so precious to you. Reid: However if you are starving for making out. Why would you be willing to offend them later or take their choice away? That just feels weird, Now granted what I'm saying is no tell them that you know before you kiss be like hey just you know like “I have herpes and I just want to be respectful like are you okay with us making out?” I'm not saying that that's easy to do. I'm saying that that's powerful and if they can't handle it they're really going to be pissed when you tell them later. So, when you do the math yeah I would say take the workshops watch the videos read the books so that you feel less shame and just kind of get “Hey you might not want to kiss me”. However when I really talked to people in the sex geek community and also in them in the non sex geek community the response more often than not around kissing tends to be that most people are okay with it. Most, being more than fifty one percent. Cathy: Yeah, Well I and also I’m kind of a geek and I don't always notice what people are interested in me or not? And so for me if someone says us safer sex elevator speeches like “Oh, they're kind of interested in at least exploring that”. And for, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been on a date didn't realize they were dates till like a year later like “Oh, Will that play totally different” So, just initiating that makes it clear that “Hey, I’m at least interested in you somewhat lets have this conversation”...
Views: 2556 ReidAboutSex
Walking Towards The Gun: Reid Mihalko on Moving Relationships and Life Forward
With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: What's next? Cathy: Reid, you talk ... you have this great talk that you give about walking towards the gun. Can you share a little bit with us? Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com Cathy: I'm Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com Reid: Cathy's got a gun. Okay, walking towards the gun is my ... when I talk about relationships and I talk about how to move your relationships forward, this also applies to moving your life forward. I talk about walking towards the gun rather than running away from things that you're afraid of. This analogy comes from back when I was in the martial arts which I was in for a long time. As a martial arts student and also as an instructor, one of the things that we worked on was from a self-defense perspective and a street combat perspective, when you're in a situation where somebody draws out a gun. Unless they are already very far away from you, or you know them to be a horrible shot. Statistically speaking at a certain level of confidence around self-defense, your chances are better the closer you are to the gun. Ideally you want the gun touching you. For a lot of different reasons that I'm not going to get into in this video. That being said, it took a lot of training for me to rewire my reptile brain to automatically have me start walking towards a dangerous weapon, specifically guns. Cathy: We're not recommending you run ... you walk towards an actual physical gun without adequate training. Reid: Yes, just stay away from guns in general if you can unless you're a hunter and you're hunting targets, things like that, things that can't fight back. No, that didn't sound good. What I'm saying around relationships is what you want to do is you want to figure out what you're afraid of and walk towards those things. If it's a conversation that you're scared to have with your girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse or friend or boss, figure out a way to have that to initiate that conversation, and start practicing having those conversations. Cathy: We recommend the difficult conversation formula and there's a video on that as well. Reid: Doing those kinds of things, walking towards the hard stuff, the things you're frightened of in your relationship is one of the best bits of advice I can give anybody, there's lots of different ways to learn how to defend yourself better in the situations but the idea that you want to start looking at is what am I afraid of, why am I not bringing these things up with the people that I care about and how can I get support so that I can bring them up to the people I care about. This is also a life skill so like if you're not doing your taxes because you're afraid of taxes, how can you get support to have your taxes done. You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be making progress. Cathy: Yeah. Expanding your comfort zones and reaching out into the things you're afraid of can be really powerful and makes life a lot more delicious. I know for a while I was going through some stuff and I kept avoiding the things that were scary for me. I noticed my world kept getting smaller and smaller, I had to avoid more and more. It was actually really stressful, it took a lot of energy to remember to avoid all those things and to just walk around them all the time. Once I started facing them again and it took some courage and I started with small things. Once I started expanding my world, I felt so much more confident and capable and confident in the world. It's a lot easier to be happy and have a good life when you're not avoiding the very things that make life interesting. Reid: Then when you have that kind of courage and you built up those muscles, you start automatically walking towards the scary things and getting them done and handled without really even noticing it as much. Then your life does have that freedom and openness and there's a lot more room for play when you have those scary things handled. Cathy: Yeah. Good luck. Let us know what you think.
Views: 8604 ReidAboutSex
What If My Partner Asked Me About Polyamory, What Should I Do?
Cathy: I’m a little bit scared guys. Hi. So, another question from one of our intrepid viewers. I've recently been asked by my lover this is a good this is a sweet question. I’m serious Reid: Focus Cathy: I recently been asked by my lover if I would be interested in polyamory? This person is someone is someone I fully trust and I take their words really profoundly. I'd like to see beyond my perspective and invite newness to it. After [Inaudible 00:00:28] through your website and reading several articles, I'd like to explore more. How do I do this? Where do I start? Reid: I will leave a link in....in the description to the polyamory and non-monogamy resource page which I think is http://reidaboutsex.com/poly-resources and if it's not by the time if you’re watching this Cathy: It will be Reid: It will be a link Cathy: And this....I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ and Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ that’s the best one. Cathy: I....I mean I think I love....it's a great question it's like “okay, I want to.....I'm curious what do I do now?” Reid: It.....it's kind of this is going to be a bad analogy. I'm the king of bad analogies. It's like when you realize that you want to go on a trip to some far and distant faraway land, a lot of people start geeking out and researching you know different blogs, websites, they read books about visiting wherever Egypt or wherever you’re going....in Italy like wherever you’re going. So imagine that this idea of an open relationship is a faraway distant land with promises of exotic experiences, cuisines, traveling and experience like architecture and start doing your research and if you have a partner who's open to this invite them to do the research with you. Read the books the resource page actually has.....has some of my favorite books and then do all the exercises in all the books; have all the question conversations at the end of the chapters for these books; discuss; make your own little mini book club; talk about these things; do the worksheets and whatnot; listen to the podcasts and keep having conversations and feeling for what feels exciting and feels congruent for who you are not what you think your partner will be okay with because we all do this and especially odds are if you're both exploring, going to this faraway distant land you're already hedging your bets and not asking for what you want. “I want to go climb Mount Kilimanjaro.” You're....you're suggesting what you think the other person is going to be a yes to or if you're like me you're suggesting the thing you think they won't get mad at you about. Cathy: But then you’re never getting the thing you want. Reid: Oh! So true. So true. Cathy: Yeah. It's okay to take this slow, it's okay to explore and....and take brakes, it's okay to take a couple steps forwards, a couple steps back. It's not like you have to jump off the cliff in....in the deepest area. So for me it's like what feels good? What would feel good to start with? And then experience it and realize that poly relationships can often like they or they can be beautiful, they can really strengthen your skills with communications and boundaries, they often bring up feelings that might have like dormant otherwise so if jealousy come up that doesn't mean either of you were bad and wrong or that any.....that anybody did anything bad or wrong. It just means that there's some skills and Reid has some Reid: I have a jealousy course. Cathy: It’s really powerful. Reid: It’s all in the resource page. Cathy: Yeah. So like learning to deal with those strong feelings that can come up so that you can be like “oh, I'm having the jealousy thing. Oh, yeah.....yeah okay.” There's not actually anything wrong because our brains tend to freak out when we Reid: Yeah. Cathy: have strong emotions so you know kind of going slow. I love that you're....you're you have someone you really trust and that you want to explore this it's a beautiful place to be and it's okay to not again dive in the deepest end first. Reid: No. Take baby steps, go slow, don't buy the plane tickets immediately and then it's okay to go visit Italy or hike Mount Kilimanjaro which is not in Italy. Cathy: No. Reid: And then like come back and be like “honey, I didn't like that trip.” Congratulate yourselves on going on an adventure at all as a couple. Cathy: Yeah. And just the.....the process of discussing this and going through the questions and figuring out this stuff even if you decide you're never going to do any of that you've strengthened your relationship in ways most people never do. So, we hope this helps. Leave comments below. Reid: And I'll go to make sure that link is a link.
Views: 2128 ReidAboutSex
Trying To Rebuild Trust And Your Partner Is Checking Your Phone?
Are you trying to rebuild trust in your relationship but your partner is checking your phone? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: What does it mean if you're trying to rebuild trust in your relationship and your partner's checking your phone to see who you're calling and want to know what you're talking about? This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com, and this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Reid: What does it mean? Well, it means if you're trying to rebuild trust, it means the trust has not been rebuilt yet. You're still in the process. Yeah, I mean, this is a whole conversation about privacy. It's a conversation about what your agreements are in your relationship, like what are healthy boundaries and what makes you guys feel safe physically and emotionally. Then of course we can add spiritually too, right? Like how…where is the sacredness in the connection that you have, and then what activities maintain that sacredness or don't destroy the sacredness, because for some people flirting with your friends doesn't dishonor the relationship, but for other people it's like, "I saw how you looked at them!" Cathy: Yeah, so if you're feeling the compulsion to check your partner's phone, to me that's a time to have a conversation and share, "Hey, I'm feeling really insecure. I'm noticing that I want to check your phone to know what's going on. Can we talk about this." Reid: Yeah, and bonus points for you if you do a little bit more digging with yourself and try to figure out what's the need you're trying to get met or the needs that aren't being met. I want to check my partner's phone because I need reassurance that they're not cheating on me, and the need I'm trying to get met is I just need to know that I'm special and that they love me. This is what's really interesting is, if you get really good at making your partners or the people you're dating feeling loved, honored and cherished, and you guys have boundaries and agreements in your relationship that really feel good, like your Hell Yes's to these boundaries, because they're boundaries that help keep things healthy, not boundaries to keep out bad behavior because your relationship feels unstable, right? When you have a strong relationship, and you can make each other feel loved, honored and cherished, then you'll be surprised how other stuff just doesn't bother you. Cathy: Yeah, when your tanks are full, things don't bother as much. Reid: Yeah, like, "Oh, my God! Your ex from five years ago texted you!" Cathy: "You're gonna have lunch? Oh, I hope you have fun!" Reid: Yeah, "Please get the hell out of here! I need some alone time. I want to finish my Harry Potter books." Then it's like it's great, because the connection that you guys have is fulfilling the needs that you have between each other and things are nice and solid. Cathy: Yeah, so if you suspect your partner's checking your phone, that's a conversation to have as well. Reid: I like to text myself or text from a different number and say, "Honey, I'm texting from my friend Joe's phone. I know you don't recognize this number and I want you to know that I know you're checking my phone." Dun Dun Daaaa! Busted! Cathy: That might be a bit more passive aggressive than I would like to be. Reid: It's cheaper than fingerprinting. Cathy: Yeah. Well, but you could also talk to them. Reid: Yeah, you'd be like, "Hey, are you checking my phone?" Then you can just give them the phone, if you're not hiding anything, and if it's okay for your privacy settings. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: This is the thing most people don't understand; when you fall in love somehow all your privacy is supposed to be deleted. Cathy: No! Reid: You're allowed to have a private life, but you guys should talk about what that means and what feels good for each other. Cathy: You can ask them what their needs are, do they need reassurance in some way, what are their concerns, because just talking about it can help rebuild trust. Usually if there's a lack of trust there have been either issues that came up or a lack of communication in the past. So practicing by communicating even more than you ever have can help rebuild that, and build better patterns for the future.
Views: 7052 ReidAboutSex
Xandir O'Cando tells Cross Creek anti-queer brainwashing and abuse story at Bawdy Storytelling
Dixie: Because we have a brand new storyteller who’s never done this before or switching gears and I want you to be very respectful and very quiet for our final storyteller because what she’s going to tell us about is incredibly brave. I'm so proud to have her up here. She’s a queer activist who has been getting national attention for recent Facebook posts that’s been reprinted all over the place and to tell here her story is Xandir. Xandir: I'm going to tell you guys a little story about boarding school and I'm sorry that isn’t as hot as it sounds. When I was 13 years old, I came out to my mother as a bisexual sitting in a family therapy session and I was crying and totally afraid that she’s going to disown me and she sat there and sat there. Expressionless, totally stoic and discontinued. She didn’t talked about it and had nothing to say about it and then few years later, I'm woken up in the middle of the night by 2 strangers. I'm screaming and crying and they tell me that if I don’t stop screaming they're going to handcuff me. I have no idea who they are and why they’re here. One of the people is rummaging through my clothes and the other person is very intimidating looking just standing over my bed at 2:00 AM and I asked them, “What is it that you want from me? What are you doing here? Who are you?” and all they say is, “We’re going to take you to a school.” So I compiled with them because I don’t want to be handcuffed. They take out this belt and they put it under my bust and they tell me that this is standard procedure and that they're going to leave me around through the airport anytime that I'm outside or even inside so that I don’t run away. So of course I'm fucking humiliated being let around by this 2 strangers like a dog in front of all these people at the airport. I arrived at boarding school and they sign me… this boarding school, by the way, lovely Cross Creek manner in La Verkin, Utah. So they assigned me to a student mentor who already been there for a while and she’s supposed to tell me the rules and what's going on and all the stuff. She explains to me that this program has 6 levels and to get to each level you have to progress in points. In level 1 has the least amount of privileges and level 6 has the most amount of privileges so basically it was like some fucked up Mormons video game so I'm like, “Okay, whatever.” We’re in our dorm, I start telling her some story about an ex-girlfriend of mine and she’s like, “No, no, no… stop! You can talk about that.” And I'm like, “Okay?” so I stopped talking about it and soon after that I’ve given this rule book about this thick with like a vagillion rules and then each of them being in 1 of 5 categories, 1 being the least amount of punishment that takes away a least amount of points and 5 being the most intense taking away all your points and levels. On one of the category 5 rules, my favorite blanket rule of all was “Sexual Misconduct”. Now, one again, this is not as sexy as it sounds. Their idea of sexual misconduct is, and I’m not exaggerating, hugging or touching someone’s shoulder for more than 3 seconds and I'm not exaggerating again, there was literally a 3 second time limit for hugging anyone. So another rule that they had was talking about homosexuality which was a category 5 lost all your points and all your levels. So now I know why I can’t talk about it but I don’t really know why. I just know that I'm not supposed to and then if I do all get in big trouble. This is a really difficult story for me to tell. So I start getting learning about the daily life at Cross Creek. Three times a day they have us listen to this “motivational” tapes and two times a day they have us watch this educational and “emotional growth” videos which include this horror stories as people were shooting at [inaudible 00:06:33] and on the streets and just horribly fucked up stories and lots of anti-abortion paraphernalia and blah blah blah. I’m sorry… Audience: You’re doing good. It’s okay. You can do it. Xandir: So we’re also required to go to group therapy multiple times a week. One of my most memorable group therapy was when they brought in pictures of horribly, horribly diseased genitalia and told us that this was the result of premarital sex. This pictures were like pictures of stuff and it gone unattended for long period of time so like cauliflower. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I’m sure that was a penis at one point type of pictures. And while they were doing this, they had absolutely no mention of safer sex. Just that if you had sex you would die and this what happened to you.
Views: 4435 ReidAboutSex
What Your Lover's Body And A Wineglass Have In Common!
How do you read your lover's body? Learn more: Join www.Relationship10x.com Today! Reid Mihalko from http://www.Relationship10x.com and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com presents Relationship10x Free Training Videos. You can find the webinar for this series here: http://www.relationship10x.com/fe/376... Reid: Hello everybody. It is Reid Mihalko, broadcasting to you from http://www.Relationship10x.com, where we take your relationship and expand it by a factor of 10 in just 10 minutes a day. Oh yes, oh yes we take bite size nuggets of information and we give it to you a little easy thing to chew and swallow on and help integrate into your relationships. Today, we’re talking about this is our free fourth bonus video. If you haven’t watched the other three, check them out because this is all for the holiday seasons and you’re probably asking yourself right now like, “Reid, what do you have, why do you have a wine glass?” Well, it is the holidays but more importantly today, I’m going to teach you something really important that will probably make you better in bed. First off, the other three videos we’re talking about just a quick recap, thank you again everybody for the comments, for the sharing of all these videos. I hoped they’ve been super useful for all of you. I’m really enjoying the interaction so please, keep the interaction coming as we near the holidays even more. But basically, we’ve been working on how to create your relationship so that they’re more self-expressed and less worrisome, how to create more romance so that your occurring to your relationship is more romantic for your loved ones and this was actually really easy so go back and watch this video if you haven’t. That was video number one. And then also helping you become better communicator and how to have those difficult conversations, how to be more self-expressed and not hiding in your relationships and walking on eggshells anymore and we talked a lot about that on the last video. And then of course today, is our fourth video which our bonus video also for free which is how to listen to their bodies, to your partner’s bodies and also, I’ve got my partner Allison waving to me off on the side. She is reminding me that I misspelled worrisome, so there you go. It’s all now fixed and now she’s more happy with me. Alright so how do you listen to your partner’s body and this is where the wine glass analogy comes from and why I have a wine glass. So, what I want you to do imagine, for those of you who are watching this video, and again, we’ve only got 10 minutes so I’m going to hit my timer on my iPhone. Imagine that you have a wine glass in front of you and I want you to ask yourself that question for those of you ever tried to make a wine glass sing, what are you paying attention to? When you try to make it sing? So actually think about that for a second like what are you trying to pay attention to and I teach this in a lot of my different workshops so I give you some of the answers. Basically when we’re going around the rim of the glass, we’re kind of paying attention to pressure, like how hard are you pressing, your changing the pressure. You also paying attention to rate or what I like to call frequency. Okay. How many times around the rim of the glass you’re going? How fast? What’s the speed? And then the last but not the least piece, if you’re playing along at home, is you’re probably paying attention to whatever the friction is. How wet the moisture that’s going around? And so the friction, that’s the third thing that you’re paying attention to. So what I want you to do is I want you, if you have a wine glass, go grab one. I went through all of our glasses in the house and I couldn’t find one that actually sing as really easily so just imagine or maybe we’ll put some sound effects after but pay attention to or mimic at home, you’re actually trying to make a wine glass sing and pay attention again to like pressure, to rate, to frequency. But more important as you do this even if you just pantomiming at home, where do you go in your body, in your self-awareness to see if you’re getting closer to making the wine glass sing or further away? Are you listening? Placing your head where you’re going, is all your attention in your fingertip? Are you kind of looking at the glass, are you looking intently, are you looking where the soft gaze like where are you going, where’s your attention going when you’re trying to pay attention to if you’re moving closer to making the wine glass sing or further away.
Views: 4657 ReidAboutSex
The Cleavage Dilemma
Have you ever had someone stare at your cleavage? Or have you had trouble tearing your eyes away from someone's boobs? Join Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss The Cleavage Dilemma! Reid:  Hi, I'm Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com and this is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.  Today we're going to talk about cleavage. Cathy: [Laughs]. Reid:  Actually, I'm bringing the camera down because I want to show off the new sex geek tank tops. Cathy: Yeah.  They're very comfy. Reid: Because we do have a lot of male watchers of these videos, and because of the last video that we did about arousal and shouting out to people, let's talk about, really quickly, when you put the tank top on and we're adjusting the camera and you were like, "Oh my goodness.  That's showing a lot of cleavage."  Let's explain to our listeners why you would say that to yourself and make a note of that.  As a woman walking around in culture, illuminate the cleavage dilemma. Cathy: Well, I'm pretty open minded about how much people show.  Part of it is I've been brought up in a culture where you're considered slutty if too much shows.  A lot of women are always evaluating, I want to be sexy but not slutty.  There's a very fine line between that, like where am I on that spectrum.  Also, because I love having conversations with people, I really prefer having conversations with people that are looking here rather than ... Reid: Now, just as a dude, and I would like to think of myself as somewhat evolved, while I notice cleavage and sometimes want to look or sometimes just catch myself looking without really understanding why I'm looking.  I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm doing it again."  I have trained myself to look at somebodies eyes, but I think I came at it more from trying to connect with people because I create a better connection, men and women, and that helped me not forget about cleavage but I trained myself not to really break eye contact regardless of what's going on. Cathy: So, if it was already lower you would be okay? Reid: I think I've trained myself to look people in the eyes because it's better to connect not as a means of avoiding cleavage, however, because I don't stare at people's boobs women have a different reaction to me.  There was this unintentional benefit.  Cathy: Yeah. Reid: It's all really to say like come on, really?  It's not the 1800s.  Do you still get men staring at your boobs and literally having a conversation with you like this? Cathy: I've had 15-minute conversations with people like that. Reid: How is that even possible? Really?  I'm so sorry.  On behalf of penis owners all over the planet I apologize.  I actually don't understand that, and I think there are a lot of really sweet men out there who also don't get that's the experience. Cathy: I think our primitive brain is wired to notice certain things and cleavage is a sign that there's a fertile woman nearby. Reid: I don't know that I actually believe in that.  I understand the opinion, and maybe Christopher Ryan, we could all argue about this. Cathy: Yeah. Reid: I'm not saying that it's not my primitive brain that's trying to get me to look at your boobs, but I would like to argue that too, but that's another video. Cathy: I think some people aren't even aware they're doing it or they're actually so much thinking, "Don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs," that they're just ... Reid: Yeah.  I went through that phase of oh my god how do I do this right?  How do I do this right?  Don't screw it up.  Don't screw it up.  Ah, I screwed it up.  Cathy: Yeah.  I've gotten comfortable enough, not necessarily at work with everybody, but with some people I'd be like, "Up here." Reid: You actually say that? Cathy: Yeah. Reid: How do they react? Cathy: Some of them get really blushed.  Some of them will giggle.  Some of them are just like, "Ups, sorry."  It's not about shaming someone it's just like I don't feel we're really connected talking to the top of your head and after a little while it starts getting like I should go change whereas it's just you know I'm walking around uncomfortable.  I want to be able to be comfortable walking through the world. Reid: I don't have a problem with people dressing slutty at all, whatever that means for them, but how do you navigate?  What would be your advice for women and dealing with those concerns for themselves?
Views: 9585 ReidAboutSex
Negotiating Successful Threesomes Part 2 | Facebook Walk With Reid
Alright Facebook. Hang on. Gonna flip it, it won't flip. Here you go. Sorry about that. My phone run out of battery. I…I know I should brought a spare battery but it, it faded away. So hopefully, the first part did get recorded and uploaded. So if you're signing on and you were watching the first part of the how to negotiate successful threesomes. Just leave a comment and said a, yeah. Just let me know that the first part is still there and you saw it. And I thought about grabbing my spare battery and I…and I didn't. So that's on me. I'm sorry. Now, I’m in…in the parking lot because this is this is the quickest place to plug back in to get my phone up so I can finish the broadcast. So thanks Bob for saying that…that you saw it. I appreciate that. So where was I? So we’re talking about in negotiating successful threesomes, can you be the kind of person that just develops those skills that's to lead people feeling safe and being able to slow down the negotiations and interactions because you’re not worried about the window of opportunity closing because to try to make something happen because there's a window of opportunity closing, that's usually a bad sign. And you shouldn't be trying to force sex or force a threesome to happen. What you, what I think you should do, as somebody who has had many, by many I mean, over a couple of hundred threesomes is, just be open to what not happening and be really you know honest with people like, in being like "Hey, like if this doesn't feel like a good idea or if we need to call a time out in the middle like I think that is….is smart for us to not to try force it.” And you know, we can always have a redo or never try to redo this again. But I'm not, I’m not here to force anybody to be having sex or to you know force trying to get laid or anything like that. That attitude shift is really huge and will make you, I think will grant you more success in having three ways. And that's not a gender thing. And like anyone trying to force sex is…it gets weird and especially when you have more than one person in bed with you if the other you force something to happen just because you're okay with it happening, doesn’t mean the other person is okay with its happening. And if that other person can't speak up right away or you can't read their body language, then now you're having a threesome where one of those people is feeling pressured. So the more people that you add into the mix the more potential there is for something to go sideways when and you not knowing it because you're kind the like, “Meh, this person is kinda pressurey but that’s not so bad and you know we're all here to have a threesome anyway so it's okay.”But for that third person it's totally not okay. So trying to get everybody on the same page that…that “yes, we can be disappointed if it doesn't happen. Yes we can all want it to happen.” But if it doesn't really pan out like “can we make that okay?” And always go back to calling a timeout and building it back from there. Anytime you need to have a check-in and you have a check-in or somebody else has a check-in and it ruins the moment, I think you have saved yourself a potential train wreck. And that has been my experience and I think that's really wise advice. And as somebody who has had a lot of has had the privilege of a lot of group sexual dynamics, I think that that is useful information and a useful kind of perspective or approach to having any kind of group engagements. It's also really good for just one-on-one sex with another human being. And so if you can get to be good at communicating at slowing things down at checking in with people, making people feel safe, knowing how and what you need to feel safe that makes you a really extraordinary human being when it comes to sex. It doesn't mean you're perfect. If you screw up, how you show up to try to clean up your messes is I think more important than you never make a mistake ever because that is not realistic. So there's some other skills that can be really useful in just negotiating you know one-on-one sex but also really useful in negotiating threesomes and….and more somes and all that. If you are interested in going down the rabbit hole of, of threesomes, I do have a workbook and audio class on that you can check that out at initiating successful threesomes and that is http://reidaboutsex.com/initiating-threesomes/ and I think that brings you right to the thing. I'm going to keep it there. I, you know these are two videos if you haven't watched part one go back and watch part one because my battery died and I hope everybody had a really great weekend. And I appreciate people tuning into these videos. I hope this topic was interesting and useful for people and all of the advice for negotiating a successful threesome with two other people, it's the same advice for negotiating a one-some with or a twosome I guess with another person and it's probably good advice just for
Views: 1971 ReidAboutSex
Good Clean Love Review with Pug and Skirt From Sex Geek Summer Camp
Hear what Pug and Skirt have to say about Good Clean Love at Sex Geek Summer Camp. Skirt: Hey! I’m Skirt. We’re making a sex toy review and this is not actually a sex toy but if you’re gonna use sex toys or have sex, it’s so important you know about personal lubricant. And this is a brand called Good Clean Love. It is 95% organic, personal lubricant and what’s amazing about this is that a lot of research went into it. You may think that you don’t like lube because you maybe get sore from using lube and that’s because a lot of lubes are not actually good for your body. This is a lube that is isotonic with your body that means it won’t make your epithelial cells dry out. Pug: What? I don’t understand any of that, Skirt. Skirt: Okay, so there’s sciency stuff that means most lubes that are on the market today, if you feel like you can’t use lube it’s because you’re not using one of the good kind of lubes and there’s only few that are good, and this Good Clean Love bring on is good lube. Pug: Oh! That’s so much easier to understand. Thanks, Skirt. Skirt: Alright. So, not only is it good for you, it feels good and it’s gonna make sex good and it’s water- based so you can use it with your silicone cocks. Pug: Oh, yes. Skirt: That’s very important. Because if you use a silicone lube on your silicone cocks, it gets sticky and icky. So we don’t want sticky. This is safe to use for everybody and it comes in a nice little cap that opens and closes. And you know, you can travel with it. I used it last night and I woke up this morning not sore at all, so I was happy about that. Pug: I was happy too. Skirt: Alright. So this was Pug and Skirt in our sex toy reviews. Pug: Thanks, guys.
Views: 7066 ReidAboutSex
The Ethical Slut 2nd Edition (Pt 1): An Interview with Dossie Easton (Pt 1)
The Ethical Slut in it's 2nd edition! Join world renowned sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com as he sits down for an intimate chat with the legendary Dossie Easton, therapist and co-author of the book that, 11-years after its debut, plus two years of updating and additional writing, is getting its well deserved 2nd edition (resulting in 25% MORE Slut!). Paying homage to The Actors Studio, Reid will do his James Lipton-est to get Dossie to reveal the herstory that led up to writing The Ethical Slut, how things have changed in the last 11-years since Sluts publication, the State of the Union of Ethical Sluttery, and all the juicy tid-bits that didnt make it into the final manuscript of this long awaited second edition. To view the full, 90-minute interview, complete with Audience Q&A, go to www.ReidAboutSex.com COMING SOON! Reid: Hello! This is Reid Mihalko of http://ReidAboutSex.com and you are about to watch an interview I did with co-author of Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton to promote the 2nd edition of The Ethical Slut. This interview took place on June 6, 2009 at San Francisco Center for Sex and Culture. Who don’t know who I am, I’m Reid Mihalko. I’m a sex and relationship educator. I’m best known as one of the co-creators of a workshop called Cuddle Party which is a non-sexual social affection oriented workshop around touch and boundary setting and how do you create more safety in your life so that you can that safe space for yourself and invite people into that safe space which is my quick recipe for intimacy. I also do a lot of other sex and relationship education stuff. What I have going on right now is I’m currently in negotiations with a cable network that shall remain nameless for a reality show I have created for open relationships and as far as my history of becoming polyamorous and being a slut and all of that stuff, I actually owe it all to you because your book, The Ethical Slut was very, very instrumental in helping me put words to things that I was feeling. So, that’s a little bit about me. It is my great pleasure to welcome you all tonight to the Center for Sex and Culture. It is not an accident that we have a Tom Jones song in the back playing in the theater next to us so if you hear that background noise, there’s a show going on next door. If you need anything, take care of your own needs. The bathrooms down the hall, to the left blah blah blah. Dossie: And cellphones Reid: Cellphones, oh my cellphone to. If you have cellphones, you can turn them off and I will role model, excellent cellphone etiquette right now. Thank you, Dossie. And it is my great pleasure to welcome you all here tonight, to this candid and casual little chat between myself and somebody who is a [inaudible 00:02:17] peer of mine but also I considered becoming friends and hanging out and talking about things. So, without further ado, I would like to introduce to you the co-author of The Ethical Slut, which is now coming out in its 2nd edition. Yey, welcome! Do you want to give them a little bit more of who you are? Dossie: Sure. So, my name is Dossie Easton and with Janet Hardy, I’m the co-author of The Ethical Slut. Even though it says Catherine Liszt on your own copy. That’s because that was a pseudo name decided upon because the time we wrote the first edition, Janet’s kids were not yet 21 and we figured they have to be old enough to decide if they want their mom out of the closet, they have to vote. Actually having their moms out of the closet, my kids – their mom’s out of the closet, may have escape from lots of club in college. We did workshop. Everybody thought it was way hip, so that was grooving. Audience: What college? Dossie: Mills for my daughter and the boys went to two different place. Let me see. One went to UCLA and one went to some computer technical place out in Sacramento. So, we have made… this is the interesting part… oh, yeah! I’m a therapist here in San Francisco. I also supervise interns and [inaudible 00:03:39] trainings for other professionals because just as I ruined this perfectly nice man here, I am looking forward to opening up a space for sluts all over the place and that is what makes very happy. Among other things, well lots of things make me happy. I don’t even have a book to waive at you but this is the pom card for The Ethical Slut. I was hoping to have it here but the stuff is still in shipment and it has not arrived yet so I will not be able to selling books and sign on them tonight. I’m having a book signing at Good Vibrations on Valencia next Sunday. So you can find me there. 2nd edition, should I do that? Reid: Yeah. I’ll just talk really loud so you can all hear it. Dossie: I’ll pass this back to you.
Views: 10145 ReidAboutSex
Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship
With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: One of our listeners wrote in and said, "How do I rebuild trust in my relationship? We've had a lot of struggle over time and we're just not feeling really easy and trusting with each other. What can we do?" Reid: Apologize. Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com. Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer...Morris? Something like that. Jennifer, we're sorry, we forgot your last name. Read that book. Also read The Five Love Languages, we say this all the time, because those books are amazing and so simple and so helpful. Cathy: So when trust is broken, you probably have hurt feelings. You're not sure if you want to go forward or invest more with the other person. Sitting down and talking about where you are, and what each of you needs to clear, what each of you would like to have out of the relationship, can be really powerful. Setting aside some time to determine if it's worth it, is the trust broken so much that you don't really want to be rebuild it because if you're not both in, it's going to be really hard to rebuild that. Reid: In my experience with most couples who are still together and they're coming for couples coaching with me, the trust piece means that they don't know how to adequately apologize to each other because they speak different languages of apology. So your dialects are different and I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry in my dialect, but since you don't speak that dialect, you actually don't think I'm sorry. We can't reestablish the trust because you can't forgive me. That's usually what's going on. The other situation that can happen that's a little bit more dire is the reason you can't trust the other person is they crossed the bottom line of yours and you're still in the relationship. A bottom line, the way that I talk about it when I talk about date your species type information is, that thing or those things that if it happens in the relationship, for you to be in integrity you must end the relationship. The common example, which is easy for most people to grasp, I'm dating a new person. I have a kid. I finally feel comfortable having them over to the house, not the kid the person I'm dating. They come over to the house. They meet my kid for the first time. They kick the kid in the stomach. Do you go on the date? No. No excuses. You touch my kid, we're done. That's what I mean by a bottom line. For some couples what's happened is, there's usually an unexpressed bottom line, something that no one knew was there. It got crossed and that's why you can't forgive and trust the other person. So in those instances, if it's never been known before, it's possible for you to take responsibility for not knowing that was a bottom line. You guys can reestablish trust and forgive each other and give it one more go. However, if you know it's a bottom line of yours and you didn't tell somebody then this is all on you, even though they did something. If you've told them it's a bottom line and they did it, maybe I'm a pessimist, but my best advice is complete the relationship. Transition it into something else because that one's going to be the hardest one to fix. I haven't seen a couple do it yet. Maybe it's possible, but I'd rather save you guys time and pain and have things be cleaner, than give you advice that means you're going to try it for another two years and it's still not going to work. Cathy: If there's no bottom lines crossed and you still want to work together, I encourage you to do little things throughout the day. If you can figure out each other's love languages, go to http://TheFiveLoveLanguages.com, take the quiz, and share it with each other. If you can, three times a day, do something small that's within your partners love languages and figure out the language of apology. Go through those and clean up old things that are hanging out and you'll start seeing your relationship lighten up and be a lot more loving. Reid: Good luck with that. A word of warning, do not check their email or their phones for six months and be like, "Well, nothing's there, it's fishy for six months, then I can trust them." That never works. Don't do that.
Views: 7856 ReidAboutSex
The Condom Broke When I Was With A Sex Worker... Could I Have HIV?
How likely are you to have an STI if the condom broke? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: So someone wrote in and said, “I was having sex with a sex worker and the condom broke. I pulled out immediately and I didn't ejaculate so does that mean if she has HIV, I've contracted it already? But I was penetrating when it broke. I'm really concerned.” I am here with Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ Reid: Cathy Vartuli of http://theintimacydojo.com/ is sitting directly to my left. Great question. Thank you for being really thoughtful about you know noticing that the condom broke, withdrawing quickly, not ejaculating all those things. I am not a doctor nor do I play one on television. I did play an evil male nurse in a soap opera a long time ago and that is actually true. You can be exposed to something and not contract it so you can you know Cathy: If she had HIV which Reid: Well again Cathy: she might not have at all Reid: let’s…let's assume that that that this person does have HIV the way that they shared it. Cathy: Oh, he said he didn't know. Reid: Okay, so again here's and you do your own research but this is how it breaks down: one, you can be exposed and not contract certain things; two, you can go get tested Cathy: You have to wait, there's a quick test and a longer test Reid: Do you want to share more? Cathy: No, okay sorry. Reid: No, you go right ahead. You want it Cathy: If it's something that's making you really nervous, you can get there's a test like I believe it’s after two weeks or week? Or we'll tell and the other one you have to wait up to six months to…to find out if you were exposed directly contracted to them. Reid: So here's what I would do because what we're generally talking about right now is peace of mind and a lot of people have anxiety about STI's and STD’s. Go get tested just immediately because that will if you have the wherewithal to go get tested and you can afford it there's some testing services where you can get your test results back Cathy: Really fast Reid: in you know two or three days, you can go to a free clinic and get tested and they'll usually do a rapid HIV test and so you'll know immediately whether you have HIV right then and there. So what can you do to take action to calm your brain so you can establish immediately what your status is right now then there are and you can do your own research because there's always new meat tests coming out where you can take a test that can detect whether you have HIV, the antibodies and whatnot I believe it is…yes like a two-week window and then the traditional test the way it used to be was you wouldn't know for six months because the antibodies wouldn't show up enough for that particular kind of test. So this is where for me why I tell people get tested several times a year because then if there is like the six month window, you're still getting tested a couple of times each year so if stuff if you test positive or something you know sooner than later and also getting tested regularly while it might be nerve-wracking especially if you're going to a free clinic and it's going to take two weeks for them to get your results that can be nerve-wracking. Once you've done that kind of thing for couple of years, it might be nerve-wracking but you're more used to that kind of nerve-wracking so it's actually a little less nerve-wracking. Cathy: It’s less scary. Reid: If you say nerve-wracking several times it starts to not sound like you're using the wrong phrase. Cathy: Yeah Reid: So…so these are the things to find out you know the other thing you can do depending on your relationship with the sex worker is you can ask them to go get tested so they can tell you what their status is. Cathy: Right and just because someone's a sex worker doesn't mean they have HIV, it doesn't mean anything like that and anytime a condom breaks it might be useful to get tested…you like if you've been exposed it may not be HIV but you might be exposed to something else so it's…it's usually they call it a full panel or there's a there's eight common types of STI’s or STD’s that you can get tested for so just because some of the sex worker doesn't mean they have anything in particular but anytime you've been exposed if that's a concern it's good to get tested Reid: Yeah Cathy: for the whole gamut Reid: So these are like the basic protocols or…or next action steps and you're also trying to take care of your own like mental well-being around being nervous or anxious, odds are it's not the end of the world. Congratulations on being an adult and needing to…to put on your adulting pants and then go deal with STI's and…and a condom broke. Cathy: Yeah and congratulations for using the condom, that's a very good thing. Reid: Yeah so go get tested, researched different windows for different kinds of tests, also get tested for chlamydia, gonorrhea,
Views: 2917 ReidAboutSex
Men, Women and Status... How Does Status Affect Dating?
Do women always look for someone with higher status? How will that effect who you date and relate with? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that they are curious about the current state of this person mentioned Japan and US where he saw a huge gap in the mentality of women towards men. Making most women on the same level as men in terms of looks, money and lifestyle, think they are better in settling down if they get together with a man of equal status. He wanted us to comment about it and see if we have any solutions. This is Reid Mihalko http://ReidAboutSex.com/. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and welcome to the world affairs where I guess there’s a joke in there about affairs like having relationship around the world. Cathy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant that. Reid: No, world affairs like let’s talk about cultural issues about cultures we’re not even a culture-related for. As a white cisgendered, extroverted jackassery American, let me talk about Japan and how things are there. Cathy: Actually, I’ve had this conversation with a number of friends.. Reid: About Japan specifically? Cathy: About the difference. Reid: You’ve been in Asia. Cathy: I’m not but I’ve visited Japan and lived in mainland China but I can’t claim to have a complete understanding of anything up their amazing culture. I think what I’ve noticed in the US, I’ve spent studying cause I lived there. Reid: She also lived in Texas which is kind of its own something. Cathy: It’s a nation. Reid: Don’t mess. Don’t mess. Cathy: What are you talking about? So, I had a really good friend who is very much into status and we used to have arguments about this all the time and he said there was a ladder- status ladder. That looks and money and intelligence and education and lifestyle like he would rate people that he was dating according to the ladder and he would not date someone that was below him on the ladder. He did actually postulate that women always wanted to date someone higher than them on the ladder to raise up their status. I think there’s a certain acculturation to that for a long time and didn’t have careers of their own and it was important. They were doctor and mrs. or whatever. I don’t know that he was particularly successful in relationships for a long time especially when he was leaning on the status ladder. I think people are much more about the connection is much more important. You can have someone who has a doctorate and or a lot of money and lifestyle but that doesn’t make you happy with them. It doesn’t mean they’re going to enhance your life. Reid: And is this the question, though? Cathy: He feels that why do women want to have someone that are higher on the ladder for using my friends words than them they think they’re settling down if they find someone of equal stature. For me it’s about not looking at those things so much and looking more at is this person going to make my life better, does this person help me grow, do they challenge me to do things I wouldn’t do otherwise they help me look at things with integrity. Reid: Here are my thoughts. If we’re going to say that most people or “most cultures” raised to be trying to date up that status is a thing a lot of people are raised with in culture, if we agree, maybe we don’t but let’s say we agree that that is true for most cultures, you want to be moving up the ladder rather than laterally or down. To answer this question like how do you deal with that phenomenon; one is to acknowledge that it is there. You can make it right or wrong if you want but from a pragmatist perspective, is a hammer named the right name for a hammer? I don’t care like let’s use the hammer for good, never for evil or go build something worthwhile. Hopefully something that makes us happy. Immediately what you’re looking for are women or whomever you’re into dating and having relationship with, who get that that’s a thing that happens in a lot of cultures. There’s already awareness like a meta-awareness of Oh cultures having its way with us around status. We we’re taught this until you can have a conversation with somebody about that concept, cultures just probably going to have their way with them even if what they’re doing is choosing the opposite. I’m not going to let status be in the way of my love relationships which is okay but that’s a reactionary situation to just choose the opposite to be a contrarian. Ultimately what you want to do is you can have a conversation, deconstruct it and then figure out what makes you happy. To people for whom status is really important who support each other in going up the ladder and leapfrogging with each other or just pushing your partner up further that you are and you just keep on climbing up behind them.
Views: 3641 ReidAboutSex
My Partner Won't Sleep With Me, How Do I Get Them To Start Again?
Cathy: So someone wrote in and said you talked about how to get my wife to have sex with me again program, has it been released yet? And can you tell us how to get this to work? This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com/. Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheUntimacyDojo.com. Technically, it was never a program. It was a webinar. Cathy: Which did happen. Reid: Which did happen. Cathy: I will put the link down below. Reid: And the program I would recommend is Relationship 10x at http://Relationship10x.com/ and you get some free videos and if you and your wife, or you and your husband, your boyfriend or girlfriend or whoever you're dating, if you want to do the communication geekery that's in that program that has helped tons of people get better at communicating and working through their upsets which if you like each other, once you work through all of that emotional scar tissue or you know the emotional barnacles that are slowing the relationship down then people just end up having better communication skills, less upset. They start asking for what they want and then all of a sudden if you really like people, you're like Oh my God, let's have some sex or make out or do something. In that course, there's every Wednesday like every Hump Day then we do a little video and some education on sexuality stuff and sex stuff and creating pleasure with each other's bodies that kind of heightens people's curiosity and then they want to practice on each other. Your mileage may vary but that is the course where in the teleclass, it really was like hey you know here's why people aren't sleeping with each other generally speaking and then here some of the things to look at. Relationship 10x is one of those courses that really does solve or dissolve a lot of the concerns and problems that are keeping people from sleeping together if you want to sleep together. Cathy: And it teaches you amazing relationship skills that you can use throughout your life. If you want to your partner to sleep with you again just talking to them about what you'd like to have happen and asking what they're feeling like being genuine instead of trying to- I've read a lot of books talked about take out the trash. Yeah, definitely take off the trash, it's a nice thing to do but talking to each other about what's really going on and what each other’s feeling rather than trying to hint and hope, I think is much more useful. Reid: Yeah, also just being understanding that sometimes people are going through certain situations with their body so having sex or trying to be erotic with each other might be painful. Pain, the kind that you don't want. If you're into pain as an erotic thing that's one thing but most people don't feel sexy when there's a toothache, if there's something going on with an injury or their back or their pelvis or something like that. So understanding that sometimes, there are things that are actually going on. It's not really about you, it's about what's going on for each other's bodies. Certain people are maybe on medications that really kind of decrease their libido so they're just not interested in sex. It's not that they're not interested in you or don't love you, it's that the spark is kind of being muffled by whatever medicine and whatnot they're on. Cathy: Or just different times in our lives or stress can cause hormonal fluctuations which make it less sexy time. Reid: One of the things that I would recommend if you don't get chance to listen to the teleclass is the idea of let's take sex off the table and let's increase the number of crayons in our crayon box for how can we exchange pleasure and just make each other feel good. Cathy: Build connection. Reid: And so from that perspective, if you guys like taking showers- taking a shower together like just soaping up a loved one in the shower and rinsing them off and then drying each other off. There's so many other ways, just cuddling while you're watching television. If that works for your body rather than sitting in different chairs on either side of the coffee table that is between you. Little things just going for a walk and holding hands, these kinds of things can be really important. Taking an acroyoga -class together worth like something where you're doing stuff together can be really helpful. Now I have in my head that scene from Ghost where they're doing pottery together like whatever. Cooking with each other and sharing a hug. Set one of the cooking timers to share a hug every five minutes while you're making dinner. Things like that, it doesn't always have to be sex but connection physical touch when you want it and creating pleasure for each other helps a lot because a lot of people have in their minds that they feel that they have to have the sex. So baby steps, avail yourself of more information, figure out what's going on for you and then the ability to be able to talk about it. Cathy: Let us know what you think. We'd love to hear.
Views: 3539 ReidAboutSex
Doing Things In Bed That You Don't Want To Do
Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com Cathy: We had someone write in to us and say that their partner is wanting them to try things in bed that they don't really know they want to try. They're not really sure and ... Reid: Like eating cookies in bed? Cathy: Yeah. I'm sure that was it. Reid: That's crummy. Cathy: Oh my god. Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com Cathy: I am Cathy Vartuli from  http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com  and I am so sorry. We didn't give him his meds this morning and now ... Reid: Mmhmm (affirmative) Cathy: We'll give you more coffee and Bailey's soon. Reid: Awesome. Cathy: You can feel pressure when your partner wants ... and it's really important to be able to talk to each other about things you'd like to try and it's also really important for people to be able to say, "No, I don't want to try that." or "I'm okay with not trying that for awhile." Or "Let's talk again later." and when someone start ... They can feel pressure if someone's like, "How about now? How about now? You want to try it? Come on, it'll be good. Try  it." Reid: No. No, thank you. Cathy: What would you recommend? Reid: First thing is, if you're going to ... a couple things that people often don't understand about relationships, you're allowed to talk about stuff and never have to do it. So many people are confronted or think that if we talk about this or that then we're somehow implicitly agreeing. It's the Pandora's box syndrome, like once we open the box we can't shut the conversation down. We have to go through with it eventually. Cathy: There's a lot of things that are erotic that I like talking about that I never want to do. Reid: Yeah, and that's the next piece is understanding that there are things that are a turn-on that you may never actually have to try but that your partners just wanted to know that it's okay that they're into it. When you take those two things and combine them, there's a lot more space in your relationship to talk about and consider things and leave your partners feeling loved for who they are. I would say the third piece is just the curiosity. Once you have the conversation, once you realize this is a turn-on for your partner, maybe you're curious about learning more to figure out if it's a turn on for you. Learn how to do it safely if you're ever going to do it, because you don't have to ever do it and then just kind of ... the consideration of there are things that my partner might be into that I'm not into, but I'm not a "no" to doing. If you don't walk through it step by step, it's really overwhelming all at once. When you go through it step by step you're like, "Oh, well there's this thing that my partner's into and I'm not into it or turned on, but my goodness, my partner gets really turned on by it and I like it when my partner's turned on so I'll do this thing with them even though it's not my thing," The other thing I would add into this is it's okay to try stuff and not like it. It's okay for your partner to be SO into this thing and for you to be like, "Okay, let's learn a little bit more about it so we don't hurt each other and then let's try it." and for you to be like, "Wow ... Cathy: That's not for me. Reid: ... I didn't like that ... Cathy: Yeah. Reid: ... and it's cool that you're into it, but let's not do that again or maybe I'll try it two more times just to make sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm not into it." Where this is really useful is also understanding your partner. We can handle disappointment. It might not be delicious in the moment, but we can handle it over time. What really your partner wants is to be loved for who they are so you can be like, "Honey, I love that we tried this thing. I'm sorry it's not my thing, however when we do this other thing that you both like why don't you tell me about the thing that we just tried and we'll make a fantasy around it?" Some people don't need to partake in the actual experience so much ... Cathy: If they can experience in their head. Reid: ... if they can experience it in their head and share it with you. Then the other possibility too for those of you who are in open relationships or non-monogamous situations, your partner can go and have that experience with somebody who is into it, who does want it and then they come back to you all excited that they got to do their thing. For some of you, that's called golf. Cathy: It's definitely called golf for me. Reid: Yeah. Honey, I don't like golf. Go do your golf thing and then come back. Cathy: Yeah. You also can say, "No. I don't ever want to talk ... you know, I've tried that or we've talked about that. I don't want to try it. I don't want to talk about it. You're allowed to have boundaries about certain sex.
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